Refuge of Whirling Light (Mary Burritt Christiansen Poetry Series)

Refuge of Whirling Light

V. B. Price, series editor

other titles available in the University of New Mexico Press Mary Burritt Christiansen Poetry Series

Poets of the Non-Existent City: Los Angeles in the McCarthy Era edited by Estelle Gershgoren Novak Selected Poems of Gabriela Mistral edited by Ursula K. Le Guin Deeply Dug In by R. L. Barth Amulet Songs: Poems Selected and New by Lucile Adler In Company: An Anthology of New Mexico Poets After 1960 edited by Lee Bartlett, V. B. Price, and Dianne Edenfield Edwards Tiempos Lejanos: Poetic Images from the Past by Nasario García The River Is Wide/ El río es ancho: Twenty Mexican Poets, a Bilingual Anthology edited and translated by Marlon L. Fick A Scar Upon our Voice by Robin Coffee CrashBoomLove: A Novel in Verse by Juan Felipe Herrera Rebirth of Wonder: Poems of the Common Life by David Johnson In a Dybbuk’s Raincoat by Bert Meyers

Frontispiece and back page: Details from pastel painting by the author.

refuge of whirling light poems

MARY BEATH university of new mexico press albuquerque

© 2005 by the University of New Mexico Press All rights reserved. Published 2005 First paperbound printing, 2007 Paperbound isbn 978-0-8263-3423-7 Printed and bound in the United States of America 11 10 09 08 07

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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Beath, Mary, 1950— Refuge of whirling light : poems / Mary Beath. p. cm. (Mary Burritt Christiansen poetry series) isbn 0-8263-3422-9 (Cloth : alk. paper) I. Title. II. Series. PS3602.E263R44 2005 811'.6–dc22 2004020777

Design and composition: Mina Yamash*ta

for Kit

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Contents Foreword by V. B. Price — xiii Introduction — xix Section 1: Refuge of Whirling Light — 1 Cougar — 2 Crossing — 4 Solid Ground: 1, Yellowstone, 1989 — 6 Solid Ground: 2, Toroweap, 2000 — 8 Go West — 10 One April — 11 Abiquiu — 12 Fullness / Emptiness — 13 Distant — 14 Walking By Water — 16 Cascades — 18 1.1.2000 — 19 Ice — 20 March — 21 Grand Canyon / West — 22 Hard Frost — 23 Gordian Knot — 24 A Map Trick — 25 Racing Home — 26 At the Edge, Overlooking the Paria, 3,000 Feet Down, Winding Eight Miles to the Colorado — 27 A Companionable Obsession — 28 The Box — 30 Three Cultures — 32

Section 2: Off the Map: Ground Truth I — 33 Off Canyon Road, Santa Fe — 34 San Juan River: I — 36 San Juan River: II — 37 San Juan River: III — 38 Liminal Beings — 39 Istanbul — 40 Haystack Summer — 42 Breadloaf, 2001 — 44 East Tenth Street — 45 Dora Avenue — 46 Nora’s Dance — 48 The Last Story of the Night — 50

Section 3: Off the Map: Ground Truth II — 53 Complexity — 54 Life of Stones — 56 Pumping Ions — 58 Altered States — 60 Poems Are Like Dreams — 62 Tidal Pull — 63 Why Ask For More? — 64 Fine Distinctions — 65 June — 66 In the Trees — 67 Hippocampus: Greek for Seahorse — 68

Section 4: Invocations (Athena, Hermes, Aphrodite) — 71 Invocation: Athena — 72 Invocation: Hermes — 74 Invocation: Aphrodite — 76

Section 5: Ecologies of the Heart: Open Systems — 79 Comparative Anatomy — 80 The Model — 81 Morning, June — 82 Puzzle Boxes — 83 Durham, 1969 — 84 Oregon Inlet — 85 You Sat Across From Me — 86 8th Street — 88 Rehoboth Beach — 90 First Love — 92 Monsters I — 94 Monsters II — 95 Can We Eat Together? — 96 Long Afternoon — 97 Klein Blue — 98 The Dream — 99 You Said — 100 Sex is Informative — 102

Section 6: Ecologies of the Heart: Cycle I — 103 Somerset Reservoir — 104 Vermont — 105 Sinking In — 106 Coiled Serpents — 108 Iguanas — 109 Spence Hot Spring — 110 Autonomy — 112 Is He Like the Peaco*ck? — 113 Brattleboro — 114 Along the Gila, April — 116 Who to Trust? — 117 Hunger — 118 Closed on Air — 119

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A Small Poke With a Cactus Spine — 120 Put A Stone In Your Mouth — 122 Again and Again — 124 I’d Murdered You — 126 New York — 127

Section 7: Ecologies of the Heart: Cycle II — 129 This Is Not A Test — 130 San Antonio — 132 Mapping — 133 Two Places At Once — 134 A Good Family Man — 136 Winter Chaco — 137 Robe of Raw Silk — 138 The Gate — 139 Sheets I — 140 Sheets II — 141 Wind / Not Wind — 142 Flood — 144 The Wing — 145 The Mountain — 146 Back There: I — 148 Back There: II — 150 Care — 151 Gallup — 152 Shaman — 154 On Navajo Land — 156 Rock Creek Pottery — 157 Present — 158 Inner Weather — 160 Love What You Love — 161

Section 8: Coda — 163 Along the Rio Chama, Toward Winter Solstice, 1999 — 164

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foreword When I first started reading Mary Beath’s poems more than a decade ago, I was immediately impressed by how she traversed the terrains of multiple genres and candidly faced the uncensored realities of what it means to be alive in the universe of flesh and bones, neither abandoning nor becoming lost in the universe of science and ideas. Some of her poems are almost novelesque, telling absorbing stories with descriptive eloquence. All her works are devoted to understanding what experience means. She has the attention to detail of someone trained both in biology and in the arts. Her interests are intrepidly eclectic. It doesn’t take her readers long to realize, either, that she’s writing from her direct experience as a woman who is self-reliant enough to hike and camp alone in the wilderness of the west, who is independent enough to live the kind of life that suits her, and is matter-of-fact enough to write as she likes across a wide horizon of reality from living ecologies to ecologies of love to how a mind and body become a single place, unique as any landscape. Her poems belong, in part, to an engendered world of American letters that deals with thriving in a time of intense and dangerous transition, a time in which a world society based on exploitation is slowly crumbling, a time in which knowing one’s place in the landscape is as important as knowing how one’s personality and struggle for authenticity have evolved. As a poet she holds that “we needn’t compartmentalize our experiences, sequestering nature from human sensuality, from emotion, from language, from ideas.”

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In her poem “Go West,” Beath writes

FOREWORD

I set out west one June morning at dawn, sun at my back, full moon straight ahead. Nothing more profound than possibility. . . . Yet lack of intent matters little to the heart’s response: to open. To open like the land, to breathe, to face the growing light of dawn with the sun behind; the horizon unfurls before your stretching limbs, before your unshakable belief: nothing will ever hold you fast again. I like how feminist author and media scholar Susan Douglas writes about Mary Beath as belonging to a “tradition . . . of keen-eyed, gutsy women who have bound themselves to the southwest,” expressing for men and women alike “our desires for love and liberation, and how the land . . . if we watch closely, offers us metaphors for both.” Beath is an award-winning environmental illustrator, artist and activist, whose political savvy has helped galvanize opposition to industrial depredations in wilderness areas and reckless developments ruining small communities in urban landscapes. Her hikes alone in the wildernesses of New Mexico, Arizona, Colorado, Utah, and Wyoming have inspired the imaginations of many women in the West. In the poem “Cougar,” Beath writes about the refuge of freedom, amazement, and awareness even as the impersonal danger of a predator’s hunger moves unseen and not far away. You walked step by even step, alone on the trail until I found your tracks,

————V. B. Price deer sometimes crossing uphill or down, but never boldly treading the open path. You: certain, easy, maybe watching me. I thought not—the inside of your tracks had iced over, a day old, at least—but then I saw my own bootprints had the same icy glaze. . . . I stopped when I saw your tracks came toward me downhill, but had also reversed— you stepped precisely into each print, moving the same way as me, up toward the sun. Frightened then, I fled. As the poems in Refuge of Whirling Light make clear, Beath’s openness to the world includes the reader in an intimate conversation about what it means to be alive on this planet of risk and limits, a place in which to know one’s own strength is as liberating as knowing one’s own boundaries is empowering. Her poems have the gait of narrative that allows readers to think quietly and clearly about what she presents from her attentive observations of reality. As philosopher Martha Nussbaum, in her book Poetic Justice, observes “storytelling and literary imagination are not opposed to rational argument,” but can, in fact, become “essential ingredients” in a clear-eyed view of the contradictions, tragedies, and feedbacks of living in the world. And storytelling is not opposed, either, to the Orphic and ecstatic that allows poetry to see and say human truths as no other medium can. Beath’s native power of language gives poetic form to that sense of awe that led philosophy to evolve into the physical sciences, driven as much by a wonder at the marvels of creation as by a curiosity to make sense of how they work. Beath’s background as a student of biology at Duke, an art student at the Rhode Island School of Design, and a tutor of English in Turkey, coupled with her interests in complexity

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theory and her years as a naturalist, writer, and poet, as a designer

FOREWORD

for Artforum magazine in New York and an environmental artisteducator working on projects that range from the BLM’s national monuments across the West to Grand Canyon habitat preservation, give her the confidence to move with ease through scholarly specialties and skills that can be intimidating. Beath has arranged this collection of poems so a reader’s attention can range through an open field of interlocking perspectives and preoccupations—from conversational poems that allow us to travel along with her through wild and human landscapes; to exploratory poems about a primordial relationship between Hermes, the Greek god of travelers and explorers in both physical and mental terrains, Athena the goddess of self-reliance and intrepid practicality, and Aphrodite the goddess of love; to poems about the ecologies of human relationships and the wilderness of emotion; to a final sestina, “Along the Rio Chama,” a formal poetic cascade that takes the reader through the rapids of an invisible turbulence that follows in the wake of the poet’s comfort with reality in all its confusions, beauties, and torments. In the Rio Chama sestina, she writes: What incendiary secrets smolder like underground coal fires in the raven Night, where owl wings flash darkness across the stars and I swallow An ancient unease that has curled along my spine like a whelk’s expanding spiral? . . . What cycling tension propels our inner helical fires, the molecular spiral Spring we share with down-drifting detritus of ancient seas, the bones Of these hills now thinly covered in dry skins of grass and sage? No answer. But this: You have followed the contours of this land as carefully as the raven Maps a cliff edge. You have dabbed the river’s mud, word by word, as persistently as the swallow Has made her rock-protected nest. You have ridden the invisible turbulence. This first book of Mary Beath’s poems has, for me, that haunting intimacy and clarity of feeling that environmental

————V. B. Price activist Joanna Macy once expressed in the title of her book World as Lover, World as Self. Without clouding sentiment, but with heartfelt welcoming, Beath witnesses the natural world, from which humans have never been exiled, with the same open and appreciative attention one gives to children, lovers, beloved spouses, animal friends, and transformative insights and ideas. In her invocation to Hermes, written in the remote Ojitos Canyon north of Santa Fe, Beath recollects her encounter with the famous statue of the Roman Hermes, Mercury, in the fountain in the National Gallery’s marble hall, a Mercury bronzed in winged sandals, winged hat—narrow contrivances meant to catch your wiliness and motion. Guide me. You’re never clear, you never fail to make a leap. Open me to energies that liven the wind, these dancing green stalks, these water striders riding the surface of air and water, at home only where the two meet. Now you see them, now they’re gone, their shadows sliding over the pool’s sand bottom. Water, light, sun, night. The underworld, the overworld, the worlds unseen, your strange, precise guidance. . . . Keep me clear about what I’m doing, but not so clear I’m rigid. Loose. Quicksilver and fleet. Practical and completely gratuitous, like the color of this butterfly, the perfect gifts from nowhere. Bless me. Bless us all. The poems of Refuge of Whirling Light radiate with fearlessness and strength. Mary Beath sees human emotion and the natural world as radically the same, each at its core unencumbered by inhibition, self-consciousness, and neurosis if hearts are not closed to love and minds are not closed to

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nuance by the rigidity of dogma and the chains of control.

FOREWORD

Beath’s poems are traveling companions for those of us who seek the liberating possibilities of an openness to the world exactly as it is, uncensored by expectations, real and mysterious beyond manipulation, free of the traps of easy safety and ignorant complacency, waiting for us to rejoice in it, and rejoin it on our own. —V. B. Price September 2004

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introduction One bright winter afternoon in the ranching plains east of New Mexico’s Manzano Mountains, I was bumping down an empty washboarded road in my pickup when an unlikely sign appeared. It stood at the entrance to a smaller dirt road, no buildings visible across the nearly flat fields. In peeling paint, it read: Refuge of Whirling Light. My first thought was, “Only in New Mexico! It’s always been filled with whirling light and people ready to make some use of it.” By that time I’d lived in New Mexico for more than ten years. One friend later suggested the Refuge might be connected to the Sufis and their retreat center in the Manzano’s foothills, and reminded me of their focus on light and circling dances. That may be so, but I’ve never been able to find the sign again, nor any reference to the Refuge. The sign had been a stranger’s quirky gesture, but it seemed emblematic. To me the words mean two things. First, a refuge where light whirls must promise a haven which both protects and opens to unexpected possibilities. Second, the spinning, unbridled light (wild freedom) is offered a place of safety, a resting place where the light itself can perhaps find a temporary form, or many forms, unpremeditated convergences of words. A form where, at least for a time, it belongs. These same sensations—of freedom and belonging, of encountering the unexpected—have always drawn me to wander the land, especially alone. I understand now that writing gives me much the same nourishment. On walks as a child, when I was lucky, I’d feel relieved of all human-contrived constrictions, simultaneously tiny and enormous, with no need to explain myself or to fit anyone’s categories. At the same time,

my body seemed to resonate with an all-encompassing order.

INTRODUCTION

Yet I didn’t need that sense of a larger pattern to find comfort, expansion, delight, and a measure of revelation—revelation that had nothing to do with God or religion. Freedom leads to the possibility of uncoerced belonging, and both provide the ease which allows an openness through which something new or the unexpected—or grace—can enter. Early in my life I always lived within a few hours of the Atlantic, so at first my favorite places to wander were by the sea, with its expanses and movement. One fall on a coastal Maine island after a storm I came upon hundreds of tiny yellow warblers resting exhausted, low in dark spruces, blown off course during their migration. Grandfather’s beard draped the branches around the hot loci of life, survivors of an extreme trial. The blinking, disoriented birds—puffed feathery spheres— had found momentary refuge. Long before I came upon the sign for the whirling light’s refuge, I imagined those packets of living energy whirling in the hurricane, and by luck reaching a safe haven. Yards away, gale-driven breakers marked the edge of the hidden deep, its surface reflecting the bright low clouds like dancing mercury. Then, in my mid-thirties, I found myself in the Southwest. Space seemed to stretch forever in the desert’s clear, dry air: the landscape opened, and so did my inner world. Distances became vast; every idea, emotion, activity became richer. Since then, my life has been permeated by travels in the wilds of New Mexico, Arizona, Utah, Colorado, and Wyoming. Sometimes I go with friends, but most often I still hike alone. I’m partly attracted by the enlivening risk, partly curious of what I might discover on my own. I start with a tentative agenda, but always I’m surprised by the unexpected, the unplanned. One day, I’d been walking for several hours in dusty hills above the Chama River, picking my way among scattered sand sage and snakeweed and a plant I didn’t know with tiny

————Introduction blue-violet flowers. Heading back to my truck I began to follow a dry arroyo, which twisted and deepened until its crumbling sandy sides reached twenty feet, straggly roots hanging forlornly from eroded vertical banks. Suddenly I smelled wet air. The smell grew stronger until I rounded a corner and found myself in a fecund, lush grove. Its spongy grass-covered floor was fed by a hidden seep, as different from the parched surrounding hillsides as possible. Water—life—from dry ground. As with the warblers on the coast, the metaphors were multiple. The clearest was that life—any creative act—can emerge like a spring in the most unlikely spots. In a few feet the seep became a lively shallow stream. Down the drainage the water was channeled into the local acequia, irrigating gardens and fields, then joining the desert river. Writing gives me the same sense of exploration, of crossing boundaries, of bumping into the marvelous—or at least the unforeseen. I seek, and often find, freedom from my own entrenched thought patterns. Poet Jane Hirshfield speaks of “threshold consciousness,” a liminal state, the mind’s equivalent of edges in ecosystems, exceptionally fertile zones where land meets sea, or the bosque along the Rio Grande becomes dryer ground. Dawn or dusk. “[Threshold consciousness] is, like the act of writing itself, about stepping past what we already think we know and into an entirely new relationship with the many possibilities of being, with the ultimately singular and limitless mystery of being. Above all, it is about freedom, and the affection for all existence that only genuine freedom brings.” When I venture alone into the wild, I don’t leave myself behind, but enter an enlarged context. When I explore with words, I don’t abandon conscious thought, but release narrow control so that language can expand its territory. In The Forgotten Language, Contemporary Poets and Nature, editor Christopher Merrill says, “Language, like nature, is an order larger than any individual; poets surrender to that order, hoping

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to discover in the process meanings they were not aware of

INTRODUCTION

when they sat down to write. The same may hold for their experience of the wild.” For me, that variety of experience began in the wild. Beyond language and nature, there is another resonance across categories. The body/mind’s own wilderness of love and sexuality moves past tight geometries of rationality into a fuller realm, a realm more tuned to the rest of creation. These poems are an outgrowth of an attitude: we needn’t compartmentalize our experiences, sequestering nature from human sensuality, from emotion, from language, from ideas. This is not a new perspective, especially in poetry. I also share another understanding with many writers: although the natural world offers rich metaphors for human concerns, we must not deny its separate reality. The exhausted yellow warblers quivered in those dark spruces for their own survival, not simply as a compelling metaphor for me. I also acknowledge my debts to Surrealist experiments in automatic writing, and to the many poets who have written about nature, themselves, and all fellow creatures. In her essay, “Winter Hours,” poet Mary Oliver describes a familiar sensation: “Stepping out into the world, into the grass, onto the path, was always a kind of relief. I was not escaping anything. I was returning to the arena of delight. I was stepping across some border. I don’t mean that the world changed on the other side of the border, but that I did, too. . . . I could not be a poet without the natural world. Someone else could. But not me.” Nor me. These poems arrived almost through the back door. Their meanings and rhythms grew from a place neither mediated by self-consciousness nor framed by my own expectations. Nearly every morning soon after dawn for several years, I’d make a cup of tea, sit down at my writing table, and fill one page of a green 6 x 9" spiral notebook. Then I’d close the cover, usually not

————Introduction even reading through what I’d written for several days. Writing these words was more like priming the pump for other tasks. As the weeks and months passed with notebooks filling, I became even less concerned with what happened with any particular day’s first page. I simply let go. The process wasn’t exactly automatic writing, since I did pause to mull over what flowed from my pen. Once the first lines made it out, often triggered by what I could see of my garden or what rested on my deep adobe window sill, an idea would kick in and spin itself out. I was aware when the end of the page approached, but rarely needed to take firmer control to wrap it up. Many days the pieces were abysmal, but as frequently a complete whole emerged. After several months I began to call the daily poems effulgences. I had to check the dictionary to confirm it was a real word. Yes. Radiant splendor. A little high flown, but that is what the morning poems felt like. They seemed to radiate from some bright inner source even when their content was dark. In no other part of my creative life have I been so consistently in touch with something beyond my rational mind, that part of awareness and goad to action which has various names: the unconscious, the muse, daimon, archetype, perhaps even spirit. Between sleeping and full wakefulness—that liminal state—as the tea’s caffeine began to buzz in my system, these words strung themselves together more informed by dreams, shadowy emotions, memory, and obscure wisdom than thought. Mary Oliver again: “What I hear is almost a voice. . . . Every poet knows it. . . . One hopes for gifts. One hopes for direction. It is both physical, and spooky. It is intimate and inapprehensible.” Though these poems started as pieces only for myself, after I began reading them to friends the idea of putting a group together into a book began to grow. Some of these poems are barely edited, copied directly from those green notebooks, but others needed more tinkering. Still, I tried not to clean up the freshness from those early mornings.

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My conscious concerns surfaced frequently in the efful-

INTRODUCTION

gences, but with the prisms of understanding and expression tilted. The book’s organization loosely follows these themes. Over and over I returned to the opening and pure pleasure of remaking my life in New Mexico’s high desert—an ongoing enterprise many have shared. I’d changed my place on the map, but “the map is not the territory,” as Gregory Bateson once famously quoted the scientist and writer Alfred Korzybski. Ground truth—the territory—is in individual stories, others’ idiosyncrasies illuminating our selves like reflected light. Science offers a particular variety of story, often purporting to be a map so accurate no territory could possibly rebel. I know this intimately, since I count among my official credentials a degree in zoology from Duke and many years working in natural history forums from exhibit design to posters to books to essays and poetry. Regardless of its limitations, science offers a seductive way to organize the world. Survival strategies, metabolic pathways, and neurophysiology, for example, can be as sensual to me as any references to mystery. Another of my official credentials is a degree in fine arts from the Rhode Island School of Design, a place where I fled when science’s seductions began to change in my mind to gripping, binding cords. Visual art has required me to pay even closer attention to the world’s particularities than demanded by science, with its focus on repeatability and patterns. The first three sections loosely explore place, and story melded to place, following my own tales or threads from others’ lives. The short section of three invocations nods to the archetypal world of ancient Greece, revived in the psychologies of Carl Jung, James Hillman, Ginette Paris, and others. Human characteristics and aspirations can be abstracted in order to be discussed coherently, but in the gods they are reinvigorated with human complexity, embodied in a way that I now find indispensable.

————Introduction As in my conscious life, some days I focused on the way the internal emotional world mirrors the fluid and complex workings of ecosystems, rife with relationship, non-linearity, and feedback loops. And vice versa. Fusing love and sex with the natural world gave me some distance from my heart’s flailings, provided solace, and often illuminated things that had been opaque. Simultaneously I felt a deeper involvement with the world beyond human affairs, my own sensations of desire or despair braided together with the facts of the land: wind, singing frogs, storms, changing light. The fifth section ventures more directly into the sexual wilderness. The sixth and seventh sections are love poems—or anti-love poems—about two different love affairs. Finally, the Coda is not an effulgence, but a sixteenth century poetic form called a sestina. The sestina’s loose formality gave me a chance to use structure to build a sense of place, ordering with language a landscape I’ve wandered many times in many seasons, filled with questions, filled with desire and delight. Ezra Pound once said, “The sestina is like a thin sheet of flame, folding and infolding upon itself.” A refuge for whirling light. —Mary Beath May 2004

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Section 1 ———

Refuge of Whirling Light

REFUGE OF WHIRLING LIGHT

Cougar ___________________________ You walked the same snowy paths, low and silent, color of dried bigtooth maple leaves still clinging like decorations to the open thicket, short trunks dark against snow. You walked step by even step, alone on the trail until I found your tracks, deer sometimes crossing uphill or down, but never boldly treading the open path. You: certain, easy, maybe watching me. I thought not—the inside of your tracks had iced over, a day old, at least—but then I saw my own bootprints had the same icy glaze. Cold. Cleanness to match dryness, enclosed forest, open and bright, snow like light from earth, forest illuminated from its floor. A few rabbit tracks, but mostly you, lean and strong, eyes peering ahead, ears twitching, tail long and gently curved. The maples arched partway over the trail, a squirrel chattered. High peeps like a swarm of insects surrounded me once, almost too high for birds, short and sharp and incandescent.

————Refuge of Whirling Light 3

I stopped when I saw your tracks came toward me downhill, but had also reversed— you stepped precisely into each print, moving the same way as me, up toward the sun. Frightened then, I fled. Down from the snow I drove east, away from the mountain trail. A masked osprey watched, alert and ready on a cottonwood’s crown, nearly drowned in golden winter quiet. I fled down a straight, washboarded road, empty of all but sagging fences and a single painted sign: Refuge of Whirling Light.

REFUGE OF WHIRLING LIGHT

Crossing ___________________________ Thread through lashed-together fissioning scenes, make your way through chaos held like rocks in a rapid, not held in lockstep to fit according to plan, but still held inside an outer boundary. Now. Step through. Start at one side, step in and find a route through—because no way around exists—you must get across the rapid, you must watch where you’re going, feel with your body as if you were blind, but not give up your sight—you need everything you have to not flip on the rocks, to not become part of the tumbling mess, to not become only a shard in the fragmented landscape. One step. One step more and I halt as if at a threshold I can’t cross; going in or going out I can’t tell.

————Refuge of Whirling Light 5

The abstracted world does not matter when the only way through is one step and one step more, the strap on my left sandal rubbing my inner ankle. I think I hesitate in going forward, but I wonder if I never slow enough to grasp the present. Can that be? I need to tune my step to the swirling illusions; but they must have solid cores. Do they change any more than rapids over hard rock? Standing waves. I have halted. Know this: threshold is not wall. It is only one ripple. One ripple in the larger pattern. Cross.

REFUGE OF WHIRLING LIGHT

Solid Ground ___________________________ 1 Yellowstone, 1989 The definition of earth grew past all guarantees. Beneath scattered spruce the ground had melted to a slurried mocha ring; at its fluid center, bubbles erupted in digestive gurgles, popping as they crested viscous interfaces, releasing gas in satisfying low sounds, as sweaty bodies suck against each other and slide free. I stared, I listened, I felt the solid ground under me become less solid, certainty turn around: sometime I would step and the earth would fall away beneath me, no longer able to support my abundant animal weight.

————Refuge of Whirling Light 7

When I had my fill I made my way back across the summer meadow, skirting the dozen grazing buffalo, paused again beside a round channel to a lower world. A hot spring steamed next to bistort and daisies, water as clear as the mud had been opaque. Along its margins lay bleached bones from a buffalo, spit out after her winter meat had been cooked off. She’d stepped unaware into an opening, the earth falling away. Her skull was missing, her pelvis gone, but I furtively gathered one hump vertebrae, its upper process longer than my forearm. Its form stroked my sense of shape; but more than artifact I craved a talisman for the day the earth would fall away with no warning from my prancing heedless animal weight.

REFUGE OF WHIRLING LIGHT

Solid Ground ___________________________ 2 Toroweap, 2000 From three thousand feet straight down, the river growled. At an airy distance we watched the rafts and kayaks, tiny humans scouting Lava Falls: how best to challenge death and live? For an hour they read the flow and plotted, then one by one slid down the left-hand tongue, all safe but one. That raft, the smallest, flipped. But the roiling hole disgorged them: upended boat with oarsman clinging to its bottom. Three strangers watched beside me. They radiated strain: a family, perhaps, in mourning, with that familiarity and hush.

————Refuge of Whirling Light 9

Later the eldest of the strangers told me this: for twenty years his quiet daughter lived in Fairbanks but had moved back home. Camping alone one long summer’s day, she’d strolled along a glacial river. With no warning, the bank gave way. The icy flow swept her to roadless ground, beyond a shout, the river’s growl too loud. For eleven days she lived on berries, in jeans and jacket. A river trip saw her at a distance, someone stumbled on her car, then finally they found her. We all watched the wet ribbon below. Once she asked her chatty Dad, “How cold’s the water?” With binoculars we followed the capsized boat until a kayak caught it and brought it safe to shore. After dinner I joined them, and we talked of places to hike, ruins, fires, flying. She stayed mostly silent, taken once, and returned.

REFUGE OF WHIRLING LIGHT

Go West ___________________________ Moving west from here the land opens, climbs from the river’s folded valley to distances where undulations painted with greasewood and saltbush rise suddenly to rock mesas: the road cuts straight across one just beyond the Rio Puerco. Even speeding through at seventy, the space embraces, the space swallows your speed, the space makes you understand how small you are, the space makes you understand you ARE. I set out west one June morning at dawn, sun at my back, full moon straight ahead. Nothing more profound than possibility, the inner beat inscribed: GO WEST. Accidents of history: humans clumped like kudzu in the east. Accidents of geology: because earth turns the way it turns, bunched mountains facing into ocean capture rain, dry these rough expanses. Yet lack of intent matters little to the heart’s response: to open. To open like the land, to breathe, to face the growing light of dawn with sun behind; the horizon unfurls before your stretching limbs, before your unshakable belief: nothing will ever hold you fast again.

————Refuge of Whirling Light

One April ___________________________ I’d rolled my bag out by Echo Amphitheatre and could just see Abiquiu Lake, the Sangre de Christos behind, Pedernal to the right. At dawn I turned over to a sky ablaze, deep orange, alive. Not the burning bush, the burning sky. Could I make a life here? The show slowly faded, running through its tricks. Never will the sky hold still. The last paintings I saw before I left NY for good were careful square canvases, head size, of the night skies over Santa Fe: a little land, clouds hiding moon, edges lit like flowing memories, diffuse and sharp at once, the clouds clouds, the sky sky, the space space, each small painted square a frozen night, caught, captured from the living flux. They made me feel my hunger.

REFUGE OF WHIRLING LIGHT

Abiquiu ___________________________ Choose colors for Abiquiu, where the sherbet cliffs watch over sage, over the river, over the highway, over the Presbyterians pursuing spiritual renewal or weaving skills, where the sky’s blue anchors the land in an upending of gravity, where one early Easter morning I looked out over glowing grama grasses to see a white horse galloping toward me, backlit with mane alive with wind, haloed with a white hot sun. Choose colors. Ochre, maroon, the orange of cantaloupe but paler and pinker, dark eggplant for shadows under piñon where the desert cottontails wait, yellow-green of young cottonwood leaves, pale creamy yellow which becomes blinding at midday, rock that rubs away to sand at a brush of your hand. Polished black of beetle back, golden yolk of desert marigold, of pollen from prickly pear or brief penstemon, the golden yolk of your heart, filled with light, filled with colors unchosen, unbidden, unmatchable, filled with space enclosed, ready to break open to break into a thousand cliffs, a thousand cliff swallows, a thousand unnamed lives dashing past in the moonlit night where everything glows black and silver, colorless and vibrant.

————Refuge of Whirling Light

Fullness / Emptiness ___________________________ Fullness can be like emptiness: so extreme nothing emerges as pattern or as detail, the fullness as spacious as any emptiness, its clinging uproar the foam of a wave, only fizz, wind with no direction, wind dense with spirits, memories, forgotten sentences, with only disconnected words flying in the mists. In the primal beginning all existed as potential, nothing more—but nothing more was everything. This fullness is bounded, is in my mind, recurs often, ready with potential swirling in the mists. And does the fullness, ready with potential, need to be ripe to begin shaking out its details, its stories, one by one, simple or complex? Or is it not the fullness’s ripeness, its time-fed growth, that finally elaborates the patterns, but the calm and focused gaze I cast on it which gives it leave to become a world, to sing its stories color by curve, green by down on cheek, honey flame lighting beeswax by worn moose tooth still resting in its bleached jawbone?

REFUGE OF WHIRLING LIGHT

Distant ___________________________ Distant. As far as the western rim of the Grand Canyon is from tourists peering over from the paved lot at Grand View; as far as both are from the cold river at the bottom. Distant. As far as the redtail from the vole, the osprey from the cutthroat trout, the winter sun from iris blossoms. Distant. As far as my hand from a cat’s paw, today from next month, love from silence. Distant. As far as the dry leafless shore from the anemones and octopus and jeweled blennies in the wet saltiness of the Sea of Cortez. Not distant is drowning: off the shore, all fears realized: falling from the rim, body broken on every tilted bench, every rocky outcrop; taken by another’s story, no way back to your own, nothing of your own left; no breath, no breathing. Drowning: the justification of distance. In some blind narrow world, only these two exist: to keep to the shore or to be submerged and die. But to dive in and not drown is to swim. When I was seven I took swimming lessons at the Y in a cold, dim, chlorine-smelly pool echoing with calls of a dozen other girls.

————Refuge of Whirling Light 15

My mother, terrified, watched from wooden bleachers. She didn’t swim and wanted me to learn, so I would never drown. More: so I would never fear drowning. She didn’t know how much she trained me for, couldn’t see how my shivering and my blue lips, my gasping for air and my side stroke would finally let me kick out, paddle away, would save me not only from drowning but from her own distance, her own land-bound, careful, unwished distance.

REFUGE OF WHIRLING LIGHT

Walking By Water ___________________________ I found the peaco*ck feathers on the ditch last spring, remains of a coyote’s dinner. Plumes, no eyes. They lean over my files, their shafts white, their dark fronds hanging down. I hear the peaco*cks call by Los Poblanos barn, high and longing. They wander the land, the ditch banks, strutting, mating, ornaments alive and curious. I hear them call, like aching women or lost shades, when I’ve been walking the ditches, peeking into rich folks’ back yards, watching crows. I’ve walked by water and have eased, always, from how I started. The mountains loom east, the light catches red willow branches, water moves in and out of shadow, a redtail circles, kestrels call, brittle cochea still spreads its seed. I greet the black dog Nula through her fence, rub her ears, think how she’s named Penula for the silkies off the Irish coast, the seals who raise their dark heads from the cold sea, curious. Nula licks my hand.

————Refuge of Whirling Light 17

I think of her owner, with my name, who swims alone for eight hours, ten hours, across lakes, across bays; who treads water in the pool to keep in shape. Nula presses her soft side hard against the fence and watches me as I walk away.

REFUGE OF WHIRLING LIGHT

Cascades ___________________________ Yesterday a Cooper’s hawk lounged on a fence post by the ditch, made a few small nasal quacks, milder than a duck’s honks, too cartoony for his fierce attention. I noted him because I’d never seen a Cooper’s here: the unavoidable draw of the unusual, the new. It pulls me the way a smooth white stone calls out among fractured sharp grey ones. I know the admonition to love the ordinary. I do: the willows greening out, the deep magenta plum leaves against warm adobe walls, the apple blossoms scenting air, the motion of light in water. But attention requires more: it requires sensing the patterns composed of known ordinary, no matter how luscious, how plain, and noting how the ever moving pattern changes. Or suddenly includes a new piece: the Cooper’s hawk, with his stubby wings for maneuvering between trees in his song-bird chases. He belongs here as much as the kestrel, or the redtail, or the blue grosbeak who he’d happily tear to shreds for dinner. But for the moment, he’s new; the bosque cascades with his presence. Any life would.

————Refuge of Whirling Light

1.1.2000 ___________________________ From a distance a faint low thrum; above the trees an incandescent disturbance; they rose; their sound grew as they flew toward us, against the pre-dawn grey the birds still dark separated into curtains close overhead sliding across each other: deafening, blinding; they swept over, back, around, raucous; snow geese, thousands. They settled again in the shallow water just in front among stilted cranes whose heads still lay across their backs. Asleep. The light rose, the geese became a huge white raft, drinking, preening, fidgeting. The cranes, one by one began to purl their bird words, stepping through the water. And at once the geese rose, a sound like a sudden cataract, deep, wing beats; like a massive wind through forest, but lower, blotting out everything, their wing rush becoming again high garooos. Off to the right another flock lifted with the same deep whoosh. A celebration? A celebration. A celebration every morning.

REFUGE OF WHIRLING LIGHT

Ice ___________________________ Quiet but for low shushings of wind, downy woodpecker intent on ponderosa trunk, and open clefts in ice. Three feet down, past smoothed frozen layers the creek’s water still flows and sings upward with a hollow gurgling and high splash at once. Weighted stillness and calm of standing firs. Solid, gravity vast. Grey white frozen water where the surface has thawed—frozen—thawed—frozen— spread in monochrome grace. Silent. Beneath the spruce by the bridge, mica-thin crystals grow like minerals, regular but not regular. A high, delicate tink, crunch, tink tink when they shatter. They’ve broken, but not broken, just rearranged themselves; and if not broken, then next week, or the next, they will melt back to the racing stream that’s never, all the icy winter, stopped.

————Refuge of Whirling Light

March ___________________________ Branches hazed with buds, elms clad in tiny wings, green and set to fly; willows greenest, but still pale, thin, only promising— latticework filling out cell by cell, photon by photon, light waving with the wind. Their roots aren’t angry at the dry ground, the winter as warm as most springs. They pump away, concentrating what they find, shutting down whole sections, rootlets shriveled and abandoned. Buds swell while moon wanes. Barely visible tree haze thickens denser daily and sap flows upward with no heart to pump it, drawn instead by outward reach, capillary crawl, and osmotic orientations up. And out. They make their own stationary fog, a mist which thickens as it stands from breath to scrim, from scrim to body, articulated leaf by leaf by leaf. But that’s still to come. Today I see only promise, delicate as memory, certain as imagination.

REFUGE OF WHIRLING LIGHT

Grand Canyon / West ___________________________ Human stories roll across the landscape, demanding attention, voicing their energy, responding to my questions; the land only vibrates in the wind. Or not. Rocks and lava, caught in the moment of fall, of flow, expose fractured innards and cooled heat, vibrate only rarely. These human voices and the tales they tell deflect with their looks, their gestures, their act of giving me what I can feel myself, or at least understand. I can’t put myself in the piñon’s place, trembling at the edge, growing at the upper end of a human-sized bowl, the lower end a slot I peer through to see the river’s ribbon, its white-flecked trail through the deepest cleft of all. I can’t know the piñon’s mind, though I try. These tales from another’s mouth make sense, but spread a thin veneer over all the rest. Still, the distraction is never irredeemable: the human voices go, the wind comes forward again, blows the chittering, zooming swifts; the piñon watches the same stretch of river through its rock cleft, watches the tiny rafts with their human cargo pass beneath it, all stories quieted, distance far too deep.

————Refuge of Whirling Light

Hard Frost ___________________________ The serrano leaves aren’t nipped, though I harvested all their red and green hotness last night. My yard’s protected, warmer than the open land around your plants, warmer than the sweeps along the west mesa where the chill moves across the ground with no rocks, no adobe walls toasted by the sun to warm the night. My yard must be the place of choice—protected, enclosed, temperatures modulated, violets nestled under cherry tree, small lawn soft and cool. But I know I’d rather roam the mesas, open to sky, open to whipping wind, open to space in all directions, skin not enclosed, not enclosing, but dissolving to icy air, to stars, to dark distances I can’t see, but can feel as if they were my fingers’ tips.

REFUGE OF WHIRLING LIGHT

Gordian Knot ___________________________ Gordian knot: a problem insoluble on its own terms. Conundrum: a problem whose solution is a pun. Idea: what language comes to sometimes, but not what triggers words. Problem: a tension implying a change which will reduce the tension and open other possibilities. Tension: two or more elements tending to move differently, held together by an invisible, mysterious force. Tension: a question with no apparent answer. Tension: a question with an answer which is obscure. Tension: expectation unfulfilled. Tension: risk. Tension: muscles working against gravity. Tension: where two substances of different viscosities meet, the surface of a stream, the reason for water striders. Tension: where different desires meet. Tension: where the same desires meet. Tension: the force that finally opens the milkweed pod and sprays its downy seeds into autumn air. Tension: the answer without a question. Tension: the head of a drum, the string on a cello, the pull of the horizon, the lift of wind under a hawk’s wing, the desire that propels you forward, the desire that keeps your rhythms not quite in synch with the world.

————Refuge of Whirling Light

A Map Trick ___________________________ See yourself drive on narrow black top or washboarded dirt rolling across country on a plane of existence that needs no muscles, imagine the distance you can cover, mountain range by mesa, river by dam, truck stop by chapter house, dust by tree, always space and light, time passing. You know it will be. You chart your route. It’s not terra incognita except for your particular passage through it. This time, next time. The hours pass, your eyes follow the horizon as it turns to hills, rocky outcrops, sage flats, gas stations, dumped pickups, grazing sheep, three clouds, baking heat, a brief storm— none of those details show up on any map, all those details more important than the road—except the road leads in the road leads on.

REFUGE OF WHIRLING LIGHT

Racing Home ___________________________ Virgas, first far off and grey, caught me in swirling whiteouts. Fifty miles of Straight Cliffs alternated dark and snowy filo layers ending at Navajo Mountain’s smooth blue breast. Piñon hillsides greyed to monochrome with thin washes of ice on every needle and branch; snow fog drifted at the edge of Black Mesa. Lake Powell had turned the color of glacier milk, but greener, with surf like Maine’s coast under sand-storm black skies, alcoves carving themselves deeper, wind and sand scouring off grains by the fist-full. I’d had enough of April winter and raced my truck toward home. Three deer paused by the road in half light, their bodies the color of clouds and rain. The first moved just fast enough to miss my front bumper; the other two, with some animal wisdom wiser than my own dash, waited, still, as the roadside grasses whipped in the wind around their delicate ankles, and I sped past.

————Refuge of Whirling Light

At the Edge, Overlooking the Paria, 3,000 Feet Down, Winding Eight Miles to the Colorado ___________________________ Watch the piñon and the raven and the water grey and cold far below. The bonsai piñon, old but two feet tall, offers this: if you live where ground gives way, on soil less soil than rock, grow slowly, don’t outstrip your nourishment. The raven alone in updrafts beside red walls offers this: if you’re curious, the land will never disappoint you and the young condors will take you as their teacher. The Paria’s water, grey and cold, offers this: lesson one: move. You will work on rock the way rock lets itself be worked, and it will be taken away, grain by grain, and your work will make a canyon never imagined. But once alive in the world, the canyon will be known as an unmatched wonder, solid and mysterious. And the canyon? The canyon will teach curve and layer and wind sign and mud bank and distant strip of blue and flood and stillness and time.

REFUGE OF WHIRLING LIGHT

A Companionable Obsession ___________________________ Two times must run side by side, out of sync: what happens in this time has already happened in that other time. Sometimes. My father’s broken pocket watch hangs on the wall attaching one moose jawbone to its mirror image. A still photo works when it implies the past, implies the future, offers a bridge between. A friend once looked at me in dismay: “You have no clocks in your house!” But the clock hums, the wheels whir, inner time tracks the sun, adrenals stir every two hours even in sleep, ovaries pop eggs in cycles said to match the moon, but rarely do in living women, skin begins to resemble preserved leather, supple but creased with use. The clivia growing by my table with her blooming helmet of tangerine trumpets follows an unknown chronometer.

————Refuge of Whirling Light 29

I measure days in words, in lines, in colors, in conversations, in pages; as they drift into the distance, only rough shapes remain. But within those shapes limbs and animals reach out—hands and snakes, say—as present as this moment. They reach beyond me into the other time, the time which lies ahead, full, already building like an August cloud against limitless space.

REFUGE OF WHIRLING LIGHT

The Box ___________________________ The box: squared off, structured to hold in, hold out, immobile, linear, rigid, not prone to morphing. Or maybe it can morph past its cardboard limits, its framed-up, mitred, pegged, nailed, unbending joints. Especially its joints. Joints: places where the culture’s structures can be broken, where Loki lives, where coyote pops out, where Hermes finds the openings to escape and bring us with him. Great alarm. At the box, at the joints, at the non-linear, at the unexpected. Our skins are permeable, our minds more permeable. Follow another’s story, follow your own. It is not the same. It is the same. Follow lives written in a stack of bound paper less than a foot square, and understand lives revealed in their own writing, women finding the joints in their boxes, climbing out, or morphing the boxes they hadn’t made. But sometimes those boxes still held. What of the boxes we make ourselves? So lovingly drilling holes for the pegs, measuring, furnishing, painting, not remembering to add enough doors. Or remembering the doors. And windows.

————Refuge of Whirling Light 31

Forgetting sometimes to open them, or to know we can leave to take a walk, even if we circle back. We can meander and return to find the squared-off box transformed into a pie tin or yurt; or even into a cooling pool deep in a shady glade.

REFUGE OF WHIRLING LIGHT

Three Cultures ___________________________ Three cultures: The blind, the bombers, and the land-besotted. The blind could as happily live in Memphis or St. Pete, Fargo, or Missoula. The bombers layer over this place of obscurity, this odd outback, with hives of physicists and secrets and F-18s, even while it stays an odd outback. The billboard north of town reads: “Welcome to New Mexico, World Capital of weapons of mass destruction,” with a mushroom cloud for art. The land-besotted are the rest of us who wake on summer mornings and smell the cool night, who feel the heat’s clean arpeggios, who hear the distances as if the desert read aloud from its library of rock and sage, turning pages every hour, every day.

Section 2 ———

Off the Map: Ground Truth I

REFUGE OF WHIRLING LIGHT

Off Canyon Road, Santa Fe ___________________________ The two empty houses rang with past lives, their stone floors sending back our voices, the inside adobe walls half-repainted cloud white. The wooden doors had all been made to order. Your aunt, dead now for a dozen years, roamed the garden and the buildings, sometimes happy, sometimes not. Your uncle also lurked, in life a writer. But failed, alas. Across the covered swimming pool we could see to Santa Fe Baldy, its late April snow glowing. In the neglected garden a grape vine had just leafed out, indomitable: your father had brought it back fifty years before from Afghanistan. In one corner of the big house’s only livable room sat an old letter press, paint the color of oxidized copper chipping from its heavy steel. You said, “That’s Gustave Baumann’s.

————Off the Map: Ground Truth I 35

Do you want it?” I held to it hard with my right hand, feeling his long gone skills, knowing the many woodcuts the press had printed. Captured scenes: aspen bowers, Taos dancers, Velarde orchards, enclosed summer gardens. You told me tale after tale: of the parties in the big room when you were very young; of the publishing company your aunt and uncle started in NY; of the luminaries alert to each other’s angles; of your older son whose fondness for grass fought with his singing cello; of your younger son, the blond Viking, who worked in metal and threw runic bones with innocent hope of foretelling the future.

REFUGE OF WHIRLING LIGHT

San Juan River ___________________________ I Unbinding, days building on days, river banks on river banks, ’til what we share of wind and water, heat and food rebinds us, but not like loads strapped onto rafts, but the way the silt binds to flowing river, the river’s coils and riffles to the rocks, to the canyon, to drops so steep the water’s surface tilts. Down the river, eyes open, mouth open, ears open, pores open to every new turn, every ledge and shift of light, every breath of Russian olive nectar, sweet and dark—to flower smell as thick brown river is to mountain stream. Open to sky, always wet or nearly so, never far from river sound or mud or sand, or blue-chinned lizards, meditating to the rhythms that made the canyons deep and left nothing free of echoes rumbling with long slow breaking waves of time.

————Off the Map: Ground Truth I

San Juan River ___________________________ II Bring what’s inside to the light, what’s far from skin and make it yours, put together memory’s sheets with fragments from the greater map. Avoid the traps, it goes without saying, shadows at the edge, the edges stepping down, slowly as the light moves, unfocused and complete, then fades, shadows rust, maroon, violet-blue, deep night blue, cool against afternoon heat, fractured at first like the rock, then unbroken, still glowing with inner buzz, reflected from walls still in sun, from your inner eye, the flashing water. In sun, in shadow, bright, then soft, hot then cool then hot. The canyon turns, the sun arcs, you think of nothing, you think of the blister on your fourth finger, you think of asking how time can slow. In light, in shadow, you watch the rocks.

REFUGE OF WHIRLING LIGHT

San Juan River ___________________________ III Once in the Met I saw a singing stone strung up in a small shrine from India or Tibet, behind glass, the taped guide playing its subtle note in my ear, out of context, like all museum fare. But the singing stones in the grey rock bowl above the San Juan lived neither in shrines nor behind glass, lying scattered, camouflaged above the river. They rang like bells when we dropped them, miraculously resonant, their tones reverberating in the open rock room, a room worn by water, carved by floods. Low, high, more muted or clearer: they made a melodious percussion set and we crouched with stones between us and jammed, my water bottle a deeper note. We’d suffered together under a mutual gag order: a silence old and awkward and pointless, grown from some obscure misunderstanding. We laughed and gazed around at the invisible sounds and laughed some more, concentrating on the music. The stones weren’t mute, yet neither did they speak in words, but their voices eased us past our silence, gave us back each other.

————Off the Map: Ground Truth I

Liminal Beings ___________________________ My violin sits quietly under the lip of my bench, its glowing wood a sculpture, an exquisite flower: hollow, beckoning. The green steamer trunk sits upended in the shed: heavy with photographs, with my mother’s satin wedding gown, with my grandfather’s bible inscribed “John Goodship Beath.” I wanted them; I don’t know what to do with them. The photos stare at me—or would if I pulled them from their green metal box—sepia to fading kodachrome. People who meant a lot to me, or nothing at all, except as some flowering of DNA partly matching mine. They ask nothing, they offer nothing, they exist only as I see them—a reflection of my own searching eyes. And the violin? Were I to play it again, it would respond to my touch, but it would answer with its own voice, a liminal being. Do all things have their own voices, living or not? We play them all, and they sing to us in tune or not, depending on our skill. Perhaps they sing past our skill with melodies as alive as beating hearts, as aware as eyes staring hard at a camera’s curved lens.

REFUGE OF WHIRLING LIGHT

Istanbul ___________________________ Thirty years ago in Istanbul I traveled ancient streets in a red down jacket, hair long and light, a foot taller than any of the men who watched me, covert and curious, from under flat woolen caps. All their women were at home. Alone, I crossed the Bosphorus on a crowded ferry to visit mosques and museums, then churches made into one or the other, all remaining art gouged clean of eyes. I traveled by myself, leaving my lover with his well-oiled Hermes typing at our bright window on the Bay of Fenerbaçe. I inhaled the disturbing scent of the Levant, fecund and exciting, wandered graveyards of centuries, turban-topped stones tilting like stout masts of slowly sinking ships. I learned to count in Turkish, to buy vegetables and cheese in daily markets, the old women all amused and friendly. Once a Brit stopped me on the street to ask if I would be a movie extra: the land route to India was still open and streamed with kids my age, who searched and searched, often stoned,

————Off the Map: Ground Truth I 41

as stunned as me by the world’s unimagined variety and strangeness. But I was young— too young to do what I desired—to absorb the place so I could make it into art; young enough so it could make me into someone I would not have become. Mosaic shards turned to patterns in my blood, muezzin calls at dawn reminded me of what I could not reach, dolphins arcing past the ferry’s bow in the burnished Golden Horn became a thread to Homer. I began to know how accidental freedom—my rare, uneasy freedom—not only let me breathe, but bound me tight to freedom’s gift: possibility.

REFUGE OF WHIRLING LIGHT

Haystack Summer ___________________________ On my wall hang two cast paper sculptures pulled from the same plaster mold one summer on the coast of Maine: one stark pulp white, the other mottled grey tinted with powdered pigment. They slide down the wall in a disoriented cresting wave, and after three narrow feet break off abruptly to a flat, angled-up square. The potter who coached me through making molds, starting with a clay form, was a dowdy woman, mid-life, half the clay team, very skilled, even famous, but taciturn and uncomfortable. She felt besieged by eager students who had access to her from dawn to midnight. Their straws in her solar plexus sucked too much of her juice. She felt drained dry, she could barely show up for demonstrations. I meant my pair of paper waves as explorations of an idea: the white one elegant and lovely, the dark I tried to make “ugly,”

————Off the Map: Ground Truth I 43

leaving roughness, dingy soot suggestions, not pretty. Unsurprisingly, their flowing forms won out. No matter what the surface or my idea of “ugly,” the dark paper shape hung regally next to its mate, a study in variation, only, or twos—the dark and light—no hint of ugliness at all. I tried to talk to the shut-down potter about my effort to make “ugly,” and its failure, wanting words with her beyond recipes for plaster casting. She heard me out, but nothing in my question or my brittle paper forms tripped a switch. She nodded, unsmiling, not intrigued, not tempted, “It’s something for you to pursue,” she said, neutral as unformed clay. And she moved on, in a holding pattern until her obligations ended and she could flee.

REFUGE OF WHIRLING LIGHT

Breadloaf, 2001 ___________________________ They told me to do many things: bleed into your soup but not too much, genuflect to Freud, don’t use emotional language, pat down the roses with your bare hands, clip off all their buds, eat in the dark, don’t cook your food, serve only white things, don’t dance, speak only words of one syllable. They weren’t all wrong. They weren’t hostile. They weren’t unskilled. But they weren’t useful to me. Except to foster doubt. Copy this Giacometti drawing, this painting of Giotto, you will learn, one said. I will learn to be myself? How could that be? Make your mountainside into fortifications, another said, with camouflaged small robots equipped with tiny pointed objects: this is not life, you must make it art. Give it darts. She could be right, who knows, her cactus self the best guide. Mystery, she said, mystery is flaccid, a retreat of the dumb or faint-hearted, where to go only when you haven’t found the point, when you haven’t excavated the spine. Think, she said, then write what you mean. But then? What about all the rest? At charades she was terrible. Words taken from her, she lost her way, her skills limited to a single dimension. Her strength and certainty confused me, confused us all, her strength and her one powerful book. But I can only be who I am. All must grow from inside. They spit. I must spit back.

————Off the Map: Ground Truth I

East Tenth Street ___________________________ The large Puerto Rican dealer who ran the block patrolled next to the blue door, the best grass in the neighborhood. I walked the south side—less action—waving to the sax player thru his open window on the third floor, smiling at his jazz riffs. The old mattresses laid up against the Sanitation Department building opposite my windows leaned forlornly for two days before the roving truck swept them up. I passed the tall transvestite in her thick caked makeup and teased hair, with her umbrella, her wild eyes. I passed the half-floor-down-from-sidewalk Chinese laundry and the grumpy Greek guy, small and sour, who ran the flower stall at Second Avenue and each spring put up a hand-lettered sign: “For rent, house on Corfu.” I’d think of the sea and warm quiet as I waited for the light to change, watching taxis maneuver past the Second Avenue Deli and St. Mark’s Church where on Tuesdays a green market cluttered the paved triangle in front of the gate. One year the crack dealers decided to be friendly and one would always hold the unlocked outside door open like a doorman and say cordially “Good evening!” as I scowled. But secretly I loved their inventiveness and the way they made their lives where no trees grew at all.

REFUGE OF WHIRLING LIGHT

Dora Avenue ___________________________ I’m in the thick of painting beaver ponds, considering thin silver willow leaves, while I watch the street for signs of drug dealing and cops. The neighbors have gotten cranked up to anger at the new tenants across the street who behave oddly and drive a noisy car and have multiple young cats who sh*t in all our driveways. Yesterday an old guy with a brushy grey mustache and an open orange shirt exposing his chest’s dinnerplate-size tattoo of Jesus squatted by the door behind the trash bin for an hour. Last night the house’s couple screamed profanities at each other, and in some obscure maneuver the cops came and handcuffed the black-haired woman and took her off.

————Off the Map: Ground Truth I 47

She’d earlier put a brick through the noisy car’s windshield. Lately I’ve read pages, dry and crisp, about altered states of consciousness: what everyone craves and needs. Consciousness altered by our bodies, or with drugs. But what about the down and dirty real world? And all the while I think of beavers felling aspen groves, their razor teeth always growing, so they need to wear them down or tear their lips to shreds.

REFUGE OF WHIRLING LIGHT

Nora’s Dance ___________________________ The family came in early, Bella riding a wheel chair, still lively but frail. Tonight her daughter Nora danced. She’d made the piece for Bella’s slow departure. She danced with a single spot, a narrow blade of light spilling from above, off center, still. In shadow, moving limb by limb into light, and out. A quick hand movement or slow, body spiraling, spiraling. In, then out. Her white-clad figure nearly blinded. Arc. Anchor. Spin. Reach and lift and turn, movement fluid, unexpected, hovering at the edge of light, the edge of dark, entering, leaving, held, released. Then nod goodbye. She walked off downstage left, from twilight to invisible, slow, a simple stroll, slow. Abandon, take leave, bid farewell, exit, a pull like gravity. She turned only her head back toward the dim bare stage, again and again and again.

————Off the Map: Ground Truth I 49

Later, Bella’s piece from forty years before: undated, strong, called Ceremony: two powerful men brought in from L.A. danced, torsos bare and muscled, and Don, local hero. A sensual feast for Bella’s aging eyes. After the bows, when the curtain had nearly dropped, but not quite, the short tawny dancer turned to pale, pale Don, nearly a foot taller, reached a hand along his head and quickly kissed his neck.

REFUGE OF WHIRLING LIGHT

The Last Story of the Night ___________________________ Long ago, you told me, you abandoned New Mexico, convinced you should live again back East. You temporarily claimed Richmond, in its heart still a rebel town. Six months later, one lonely night you thought to sleep in your sleeping bag, missing something. Maybe space? When you pulled it out, you smelled the lingering scent of smoke. The trigger. Back West. For good. Last night was your birthday: a surprise filled with people I touch paths with at such things, and see on the river, gentle unusual folks who, like me, are aging. We catch up from a year, from two, I remember what I know of their lives, remember how it feels to be on a river with them or others, notice how I feel no awkwardness, how the simple pleasure of company balances my time alone, or with a lover, time more focused, more important;

————Off the Map: Ground Truth I 51

but the meal’s unbalanced without such looser company. Or so I feel this morning, fed by the easy talk and laughter, the long shared histories underneath: I have joined the tribe, barely noticing. And the stories: like smoke curling through the air, catching on clothing and hair and skin, their scents always lingering, ready to pull us back, ready, always, to take us forward.

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Section 3 ———

Off the Map: Ground Truth II

REFUGE OF WHIRLING LIGHT

Complexity ___________________________ From fractal dimensions and Fourier transforms, differential equations and data sets to ecstatic states, spirit possession, rituals evoking the six directions and trances. From quantitative to a distant cave filled with mammoth bones. Down the hill from Los Alamos, Santa Clarans dance. Why is it easier to claim allegiance to Mandelbrot sets and strange attractors than to poems? Or poets? Or trances? Because science works, they claim; it reflects what’s really there, a net of knowledge that hangs together. Mostly. Says David Bohm, a physicist with an eye to explaining everything, where infinite pilot waves cross are particles, and that’s the implicate order. So what, say I, clear at least for today I care about the more robust: rocks and rain and salt and drumming. A scale within my grasp. But the urge to get at reasons, underpinnings— now that’s the same scale as desire or regret or even teaching high school history. Some worlds I don’t try to imagine, too involved in the thoughts of fish or bears or water ouzels,

————Off the Map: Ground Truth II 55

too enchanted by light shifts across sage benches, by the air’s slide away from cliffs, squirrels’ chatter, a falcon’s high keeee, thunder’s shaking threat. They must relate other than through my notice, my categories, my attentive hours. But how far down, how far in, how far back, how far simplified, how far stripped of flesh to go? Universal Laws, says the famous ecologist, we must seek Universal Laws. A pleasure of the mind. But are those laws any real satisfaction? Are they useful answers? I make another cup of tea. Eleusis, that ancient place of ritual knowledge had low mysteries and high mysteries. To reveal low mysteries brought you punishment. But to reveal high mysteries? Nothing. High mysteries: you could not tell them, only do them, only be them. Description meant no more than a locust’s shell: abandoned, empty, strange.

REFUGE OF WHIRLING LIGHT

Life of Stones ___________________________ Smooth stone, maroon and grey, fractured in half: a small chip shows where the hammer struck. Part holds what once was shell, its halves still attached, growth rings visible. Some crystalline glint, some white deposit at its margin, then stone grew over shell to its flat roundness. Shell fossil, but it could as easily be brain, two halves clear from the top, mirror images, but not. Closed, those halves sheltered soft life, gone before stonification took off, replacing molecule with molecule. I wonder about the seabed there: did many stones grow like this, each protecting its coquina, each a sign that stones and life flow into each other, a sign that connection can’t be predicted. A soft, pale mollusc, skilled at filtering sea water and building an elegant smooth shell in some distant sea began a trail that led, finally, to this maple table where a round tin of Badger lip balm, almost its exact size, keeps the split stone company.

————Off the Map: Ground Truth II 57

Finally? No. Not finally. But here and now, hinged between time’s two halves where molecule overtakes molecule overtakes molecule. Always.

REFUGE OF WHIRLING LIGHT

Pumping Ions ___________________________ Our nerves excite each other with the tiniest change of charge across their membranes: inside to outside. Ions of sodium, potassium, calcium zoom back and forth. Chloride, in its negative state usually hangs outside. The difference, positive to negative, whips along the axons, a wave of charge. Then at the tiny gap between one neuron and another molecular messengers swim the chasm, send on the pulse, and dissolve, or swim back with a butterfly kick or backstroke. And their slight malfunction— too much, too little—can make us crazy: manic, psychotic, depressed. More astonishing yet, molecular receivers, like docking ports more particular than Yale locks mated to their keys,

————Off the Map: Ground Truth II 59

also match molecules from poppies or from coca leaves; and our minds quirk up, or calm down, or lose their moorings altogether. Can there be any firmer proof the world and our minds share their alphabets, their ways of moving, their mysteries?

REFUGE OF WHIRLING LIGHT

Altered States ___________________________ For days I read and read, then struggled with the pieces, trying to jigsaw them together to make my own picture. I had it in mind: the way we live in a repeating cycle of wake, sleep, dream, wake, sleep, dream, counting on our prayer wheels as we circle the stupa built of painted stones, old wood, brass bells. And as we circle, the moving ostinato under all our melodies from birth picks up trouble, automatic stumbling steps, disturbances we can’t avoid, blank spots we can’t see. Our world narrows, our melodies lose their open endedness: we are not at fault, it always happens that way, repeating cycles comforting but deadly. But, like Jung’s claim a trio always needs a fourth, another way of mind can shake the ostinato beat, allow us to be more ourselves, alive to who we are, the thorns pulled from our feet so we can stop that old limp, dance our melodies—we think and feel and sing and love at once, the ostinato broken into tabla rhythms. It is a flash, a flash of consciousness out of daily rounds, but no less belonging to our bodies, belonging to our selves.

————Off the Map: Ground Truth II 61

We can’t stay there long, but we can bring it back with us. I found the words two days ago and as they snapped in place, their meanings expanded, my body knew what I’d said was right, but until that moment, the fragments ruled, the engine wouldn’t catch, the music didn’t swing. And then it did.

REFUGE OF WHIRLING LIGHT

Poems Are Like Dreams ___________________________ Dreams gather particulars. They come of their own accord: the dog who barks or the elevator which never comes, the vision of your grandmother’s crocheting, her crossword puzzles, her made-from-scratch birthday cakes with icing as sweet as plain honey. And those signs brought forth circle around each other so the song they sing calls up loss, or fear of failure, or desire, or power beyond your waking life: levitate and fly above the streets, the hills, the snow-laden clouds, threading through eddies of air, swimming as if you were in water clear and light and breathable, released from leaden gravity, though keeping stable requires some pull, some tether of force to stroke against. But the feelings can be played out in multiple ways, your back leg twitching as you chase the rabbit in your sleep, try to catch what you’ve never reached, or only held a moment at a time. Your neurons spark, your neuro-peptides circulate like hurricanes, you write it down.

————Off the Map: Ground Truth II

Tidal Pull ___________________________ The easily comprehensible only offers temporary relief. The old categories cushion you for awhile, before you sink back into known comfort—this has worked for many, why not for me? Why resist any longer? Take it, it’s given, you’ve been blind, it’s here—some wisdom you can trust as you trust the sun will rise each morning, even through dense clouds. You trust it, whatever it is does its job for awhile, lighting your sparks, expanding, expanding—until the pieces of the puzzle which didn’t fit before begin to reappear. The engine’s all together and you have a handful of bolts left over. Or worse, you’ve put the engine back together and it’s no longer what runs your VW, but an elephant trumpeting on the beach. And you’re left without any motor at all. Ride the elephant? Oh yes. Of course. Mythic underpinnings, archetypes chasing each other through the pines, deep releases, images from nowhere, pleasures without explanation. But after awhile they too recede at a run, like tides in the Bay of Fundy, docks left so high above damp rocks they seem like observation towers. Then what? Wait for the next tide? Know nothing? Despair of ever knowing more? Despair of any relief longer than a moon cycle, longer than a flash of spirit? Is there any answer between the mundane and unknowable rest?

REFUGE OF WHIRLING LIGHT

Why Ask for More? ___________________________ Why ask for more? Why want to know how things work? Why worry about the brain? Consciousness? Why pile up facts and processes like a pack rat collects pop-top tabs, cholla skeletons, and lost tissues, cementing them all together with sticky pee? Why do that? Why wonder? Why hope to rearrange it all so it makes sense? Why think making sense will make a difference? The dog barks at some imagined badger, because he needs something to do. Do I make the same noisy feints? No. Slowly, always, the world clarifies, meanings materialize like clouds, become carved soapstone, slide into my pocket and I look around for more. I ask for more because it feeds me, no less than toasted bagels or ripe peaches or salsa and chips. My neurons chomp down on thoughts, on words, on stories, chewing with electrical teeth, swallowing with their impossibly complicated networks, metabolizing words and movement and relationships and light. Without that, I would starve.

————Off the Map: Ground Truth II

Fine Distinctions ___________________________ Hokey, I ask—what exactly makes spiritual hokey or OK? I don’t know except it’s like good art or bad art. Plastic santos from New Jersey, Jesus calendars, soul retrieval, animal helpers, St. Christopher medals, the Virgin of Guadalupe painted on a low rider’s side, the discarded crown of thorns beside the Medanales church after Easter week, kosharis painted in black and white stripes, Jerry Falwell on TV, radio rantings from the Bible, posting the Ten Commandments in schools, missionaries, channeling Seth, calling to the four directions, swinging incense, blessing animals in St. John the Divine, arranging stones in a circle, chanting, giving up beer during Lent, being celibate, fasting in the wild, eating peyote, hot dish suppers in the church basem*nt, Styrofoam ornaments for the plastic Xmas tree, E. Power Biggs, a naming dance from Mali, a pilgrimage to the sea, in white, to honor Yemaya? Where are the lines?

REFUGE OF WHIRLING LIGHT

June ___________________________ A dove coos under less mellow birds, the cane rattles, traffic rumbles on the freeway, a plane crosses overhead, my neighbor’s screen door opens and closes, invisible on the other side of the wood fence covered with honeysuckle, a grackle sends out one piercing screech, far down the block a dog barks, but not for long, another barks closer, and my back neighbor’s sprinklers kick in, first sputtering then easing into a constant hiss. No one mowing lawns, no mega bass driving down the street, no hammering, no distant sound of TV voices, that particular annoying rhythm, no sirens, no garbage truck growls, no cats yowling. No sound of surf, no rattling vent covers, no music from my machines, no radio voices. A sudden flock of sparrows descends on the ripe cherries. And what of the voices in my head? Do they require cataloging? The voices, and the sounds of flutes, steel drum orchestras, cello melodies, string quartets, African drums. Water trickling over stones in the desert. A spring flowing from the bottom of a sandstone wall. Hummingbird buzz. Silence.

————Off the Map: Ground Truth II

In the Trees ___________________________ I’ll hang bells in the trees— in the apricot, the nectarine, the piñon— and in the wind they’ll ring their high notes and startle grackles off, purely functional— bells in the trees tinking and chiming like noisy prayer flags or the elfin forest garden on the coast of Maine, or the piñon over the Stone Lions Shrine hung with feathers for prayers. Trees, dressed for dancing, given an extra voice, percussion metallic and sweet. I will wear bells on my ankles bells on my neck, bells on my wrists and the wind will blow me like a coyote willow, a Lombardy poplar, like green palm fronds, and I’ll jingle and clank and quietly peel, and rattle and vibrate, loud and warming, raucous and impossible to miss.

REFUGE OF WHIRLING LIGHT

Hippocampus: Greek for Seahorse ___________________________ The hippocampus, curved and slightly fluted, is divided left and right, lapped around each temporal lobe in our brains, deep inside. The seahorse floats upright, clinging to seaweed with her tapering coiled tail. The hippocampus moves not at all, but the way its neurons fire, the way their fingers reach outward makes us sad or ecstatic, eager or depressed. The male seahorse incubates his young in his ventral pouch, kangaroo-like. Hippocampus halves, when throbbing slowly with electric beats in synch, put us in trance, bring on transcendent certainty. Some crucial cells have died, perhaps, leaving us unable to compare contradictions so we leap over all paradox with joy.

————Off the Map: Ground Truth II 69

The seahorse suspended in seagrass flutters her delicate lateral fins, fan-shaped, and feels the tide turn, salty sea pulled into treacherous currents once again, pulled and pulled, pulled always by the ever-circling moon. She remains suspended, the sea grass on the move, responsive, the sea grass angled with the tide, anchors holding fast.

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Section 4 ———

Invocations (Athena, Hermes, Aphrodite)

REFUGE OF WHIRLING LIGHT

Invocation: Athena ___________________________ Round river stone, polished by water, darker than moon, but moon grey. Not perfect, but almost perfect, fitting exactly into palm, cool, heavy. Circle made not by radius and diameter, but by rock tumbling past time. Grey-eyed Athena. Mind, but more than mind: wisdom, even power— for the hundredth time, thank you. Memory: echoing marble halls, vast, impressive, the National Gallery, a monument to thought. Cool round room with fountain in its center, light filtering down from a circular window high above. Chill in the swamp heat of DC’s summer, echoing with footsteps and fountain splash. Dark marble, green and shadowy, shot through with white, blue, grey, a few veins of rust, milled to wide columns like tree trunks supporting the distant vault. And art: a frozen nymph, a frozen face, passageways spoking outward from the shiny floor to pale busts of Caesars, angular Cezannes, glittering altarpieces from Byzantium, dark Rembrandts. The booty of history, the booty of time for making culture. But I went there because it was quiet and cool, mystical and musical— a grove made to resemble this one where I sit— though no one knew it, not even me.

————Invocations (Athena, Hermes, Aphrodite) 73

Here: ochre sand, pale rocks, spare stream plants growing among ponderosa needles, baked by sun, smelling like all ponderosa forests along these valleys, sweet and dense. This sandstone isn’t smooth like Athena’s stone, but angular, cracked, gravel roughened; still, the small stream sings, the breeze lets the grasses dance, the shadows sway in place. Is this mind? Is this wisdom? The cool circular stone rests beside this flowing stream, broken trunks grey along its banks, quick butterfly bright orange, rush of wind.

REFUGE OF WHIRLING LIGHT

Invocation: Hermes ___________________________ Quicksilver. I hold a tiny vial, its mercury bouncing, splitting, reconnecting. Heavy in hand and quivering, bright as silver, bright as moon, but fluid. And poisonous in the wrong places—in fish bodies, for example, a toxic substance. Hermes, you’re neither silver nor toxic, but invisible and palpable in this water beside me, in the fountain in the National Gallery’s marble hall, a Mercury bronzed in winged sandals, winged hat—narrow contrivances meant to catch your wiliness and motion. Guide me. You’re never clear, you never fail to make a leap. Open me to energies that liven the wind, these dancing green stalks, these water striders riding the interface of air and water, at home only where the two meet. Now you see them, now they’re gone, their shadows sliding over the pool’s sand bottom. Water, light, sun, night. The underworld,

————Invocations (Athena, Hermes, Aphrodite) 75

the overworld, the worlds unseen, your strange precise guidance. In league with Athena. In league with Aphrodite. In league with my own heart. Otherwise how could you work so well? You’re the one I need most, need to trust, need to help me understand I need not look back. Carry me on your sandals—or loan them to me for awhile. Give me, please, the ease of your words, your certainty in guidance. Keep me clear about what I’m doing, but not so clear I’m rigid. Loose. Quicksilver and fleet. Practical and completely gratuitous, like the color of this butterfly, the perfect gifts from nowhere. Bless me. Bless us all.

REFUGE OF WHIRLING LIGHT

Invocation: Aphrodite ___________________________ You’re such a friend. This stream may be more yours than Athena’s, a warrior dressed for battle no matter how wise. I’ve brought this bone for you, to be your emblem. A flat s-curve, one end more curved than the other, split to its two joint pieces, white and flaking off in layers, two labels tied to the thinner, more curved end, for everyone who can’t recognize it: “Texas toothpick,” “raccoon penis bone.” Those raccoons. Who would know their co*cks are stiffened with bone from looking at their curious blackened eyes, their grey bushy backs disappearing over garbage cans and away? The idea of a penis bone tickles me. The phallic certainty. But Aphrodite, that is part of what you’re about: f*cking, penis hard enough to thrust into vagin*, smooth and soft and gooey. But you’re about much more: the light touch of hand on back, gentle, not sexual. You’re about taking on another’s phrasing, tone of voice, wandering mind, uncertainties and awkwardnesses. You’re about exchanging sensation: part sexual, mostly sensual, deep opening, answers only bodies can give, conversations of nerve and muscle. Aphrodite, you’ve blessed me royally, and I am grateful beyond measure. But you are trying me now and your laughter rings like the melodious riffles next to me. You’re in league with Hermes and have some agenda, but it escapes me. Give me peace or give me pleasure,

————Invocations (Athena, Hermes, Aphrodite) 77

some release, though I know release only lasts an hour, a day. You just complicate everything, it’s been said—but ‘tain’t true; you put the life in it all. Of all raccoon love, only this 5-inch bone lies curved in my hand; but of all my love, what remains is the flavor of my life, the fastness of binding, the freedom of sex, the certainty of self. Ah, Aphrodite, I wouldn’t have it any other way. You’ve changed my life many times, you’re changing it again, and only an oracle could tell how. But no matter. I trust you.

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Section 5 ———

Ecologies of the Heart: Open Systems

REFUGE OF WHIRLING LIGHT

Comparative Anatomy ___________________________ Male. Female. In that Duke lab long ago with formaldehyde zapping our brain cells we dissected our cats, one cat per person. We each had the same lungs and stomachs, the same kidneys and livers, but when we got to the reproductive system, we split into two factions and needed to share. Vas defferens, fallopian tubes, prostate, cervix, uterus, testicl*. We were twenty, or nineteen, sailing into our lives, fearless one day, terrified the next. We poked with our scalpels, laughed and joked, swallowed our unease. I was as tough as the guys, as unembarrassed, as filled with my capacity to learn facts, to grasp how things worked. I had a crush on the lab instructor, older and large-boned, probably all of twenty-four. One week my male table mates teased one good old boy, from Greensboro or Tarboro, who took it half sheepishly, half proudly, “Yup, she just breezed in and snarfed him up. He never knew what hit him!” I pointed out seminal vesicle, ejacul*tory duct; my partner, careful with his probe, pointed out ovary, follicle, and then, relieved, we moved on to our separate feline brains with their pale, spongy tissues and tough white nerves.

————Ecologies of the Heart: Open Systems

The Model ___________________________ Driven by desire? Pan-sexual, pan-amorous, pan-erotic? The world pulling me, reeling in my tether, reeling out my kite string. Is it the same as the itch of sex? The hollowness that reverberates with silent ringing echoes inside my sacrum. A friend once said, “When I want it, I want it NOW.” and now finds herself content with sex but too home-bound, missing diving, the wet, the salt, the sun. Is it gender, is it fear, is it sadness that’s the difference? Was it not always the best, but not the all, for me— my inner alloys magnetized to it, others magnetized to me because— because why? I liked it, I liked them, regardless of all else? The luck of my hormone balance, my grateful happiness to lose control, to give and receive at once, the attention total, both directions. It was never an org*sm quest— they came too easy, too often for me to notice any temporary lack. But still, it was the best I had then, the model for everything, everything.

REFUGE OF WHIRLING LIGHT

Morning, June ___________________________ Li, said a friend, is Chinese for the easy pattern of grain in wood. This table’s maple veneer answers, its patterns bow and swell, crowd each other and spread out. Or perhaps li is the line, only, of a larger pattern; as easy, but less inclusive. Unfocused disks of light spot the table with bright medallions, move and vibrate as breeze sways cane outside the window. Another friend once asked, her German never fully translated, “What is dappled?” We all aim for li, I think. But perhaps I am presumptuous, perhaps I must claim that only for myself. Or perhaps li is a concept that sounds useful, but draws its power from opposition: to force, say, or straight, or parallel, or tightly regulated. But if grain in wood is li, what is dappled morning sun dancing across my table, over wood and notebook, pens and erasers, over my moose cup and the round rock, grey and flat, crossed with a pale red line, tumbled in some distant stream to the smoothness of shoulder skin?

————Ecologies of the Heart: Open Systems

Puzzle Boxes ___________________________ I had half a dozen: their inlaid wood designs hid sliding panels which revealed latches; or whole sides would shift. The first puzzle boxes must have kept many secrets. I kept nothing in mine. The value of those small containers smelling of sandalwood was not what they held but the elegance of their entry. Manipulate all their pieces in exactly the right order and the inner chamber opens. The box meant more than its contents: it meant the mind behind its idea, the hands skillfully fashioning it. I admired the inventiveness, the craft. But more, the box was what I wished to be then— nicely put together, though at first glance inaccessible beyond my surface. But if you knew the tricks, had a light enough touch, paid attention, the plain inner room would open with a smooth, easy, surprising release.

REFUGE OF WHIRLING LIGHT

Durham, 1969 ___________________________ She watched the wind from the bathroom window, wrapped in a blanket in the middle of the night, Durham’s leaves by early May full-grown, tumbling in anchored waves. From that house full of unexpected bedmates, the famous poet appeared also unable to sleep, stood with her watching the blowing night, wrapped in his own blanket. We’ve had our troubles, he said of his wife, in Madison or St. Paul, but we’ve finally worked it out. The wine and bourbon of the post-reading parties beginning to wear off, the stamp of academic approval fading into lives rearranging themselves, poetcatalyzed, wind-carried. I wasn’t there, but I know. I’ve watched the wind. I know.

————Ecologies of the Heart: Open Systems

Oregon Inlet ___________________________ A front moved through last night, just after dark, rattling vent covers on the roof, sending loose plastic bags into the apricot’s branches, its buds ready to pop any day. From our single fixed points, always sudden weather. Long ago, at Oregon Inlet, you and I trudged far out on the bank where waves broke in wild foaming cordons. We were upset: I’d told you I’d slept with your best friend, my best friend. Your hurt and anger surpassed anything I’d imagined. We were airing out by moving through openness, at the edge of rolling ocean. We knew the storm threatened: it’s hard to miss weather on the Outer Banks where no hill taller than a sleeping dog blocks the sky. But when the fury hit it nearly knocked us over. We faced the gale to struggle home—we had no choice—the rain and sand stung us, blown by pewter winds. We leaned into it like cartoons. You said, “We weren’t too smart to come out here,” as we fought against the storm, nearly blinded, soaked, released then from our own swirling distress, tied to each other by our tiny humanness in the vastness of the raging, faultless elements.

REFUGE OF WHIRLING LIGHT

You Sat Across From Me ___________________________ You sat across from me under the shady arbor, the wind threatening to blow our sandwich baskets off the small table as we lingered alone through the afternoon. You had become thin, your blue eyes larger than ever under bushy brows; your ears had become prominent and pointed, as if they’d stayed in place while your skull had retreated; I remembered them differently. You were stooped from hours, years in front of your computer at the Press. You loved your son—a child who might have been mine once, but wasn’t—and feared you would die soon. I spoke from my heart, from who I had become, yet felt beside me the one I had been when I knew your body well, shared your meals and dreams. She— the one gone forever—threatened to impose her language, her rhythms, her uncertainties, her elliptical equivocations, her learned responses to you—but didn’t.

————Ecologies of the Heart: Open Systems 87

Couldn’t. What had I expected? Had I expected anything? You were not the one I had loved. Time had changed us both almost beyond recognition. You were funny and kind and mostly easy with your dissolved dreams. Your old self flashed through. As we hugged goodbye I felt your bones so fragile, so fragile.

REFUGE OF WHIRLING LIGHT

8th Street ___________________________ She stood in the crowded xerox shop, waiting with her pile of art: sea turtles. A man, tan and blond, leaned over her right arm and said after he’d looked at the top page a moment, “Green turtle?” Yes. But how would someone in downtown New York know that? They talked while they waited. “I’m an undersea photographer,” he said. Oh yeah? she thought. He told her his name and she looked at him harder, seeing his images of chambered nautiluses, south Pacific reefs, filtered light in coffee table books: no one with a camera in the ocean had a better eye. “Would you like to come up to my room? I live upstairs,” he said as she paid for her copies. Upstairs on 8th Street in Manhattan? In a residence hotel, a little sleazy for such a name, such a reputation. The room was nearly solid with stained pine furniture encircling a double bed. He put Scarlatti (or was it Scriabin?) on his high-end music machines and assumed she’d come upstairs for sex. Had she?

————Ecologies of the Heart: Open Systems 89

She didn’t know, but she didn’t have her diaphragm, and they nipped and licked each other instead. And in those hours and the week after, she learned he not only lived to dive, he lived always under a sea where mania alternated with depression. He gave her a set of page proofs: sea lions curled around each other, playing, one nipping another’s shoulder, their wet fur dark and shining.

REFUGE OF WHIRLING LIGHT

Rehoboth Beach ___________________________ A pier in the distance, jutting into dark ocean, covered with rides and lights, everyone slightly burned from the day’s lounge on the beach, hot sand, Coppertone smell, cold waves, creosote under boardwalk, cigarette butts half in sand at bottom of pilings. Showers concrete, sandy, damp, echoing with voices. At night still hot, boardwalk crowded and bright. John and Ernie and another guy yelling “Delay!” on the rides. I’m mystified until Sandy takes me aside and explains it’s a product that delays men’s ejacul*tions. We’re all virgins, 13, 14. She’s embarrassed, I still barely understand and don’t get why it’s an issue or why it’s funny.

————Ecologies of the Heart: Open Systems 91

I love the rides that turn my stomach most, that spin me and make the bottom drop away, no hint of nausea, unease, just wild sensation. We walk against the streaming crowd awhile, intent on being non-conformists, then I drag them all to the other side, where we walk the same direction as everyone else— I say, “It’s too easy to not conform by walking on the left, it’s a cop out. We have to walk the same direction, but really be different, not just on the surface.” Sandy has no idea what I’m talking about; John, years later, will sadly nurse an unrequited passion for me, and I will only wish he’d go away.

REFUGE OF WHIRLING LIGHT

First Love ___________________________ She’s twenty-two, in love for the first time, two months past her first f*ck, as distracted as if she were swarmed by black flies. Except no biting, only a longing for his company, his touch, her body answering, craving the feeling of a nest, of becoming herself without the distancing of intellect, of finally coming home to a family who will always be there. Or so it feels in her flushed love. I remember my own relief and astonishment, how I expanded in a week to fill the shape that had been waiting for me. But her lover’s Guatemalan, likes her, but also likes men, and without a doubt likes the idea of finding himself in the States: she’s an angel of escape. After the escape, will she cease wearing wings? After the escape, will he stop feeling like home to her and become a bitter taste, dark and needy, impossible to rinse away? I know the feel of the life before—

————Ecologies of the Heart: Open Systems 93

hungry, uncertain, wanting—and the life after—temporarily filled, doubt-free, where wanting stops aching because you are answered, over and over and over and you can’t imagine anything will ever stop those warm answers. But she’s twenty-two, still fresh in the wider world, unaware of how much more waits past this first wild opening. And perhaps she has yet to develop the simple habit of trusting her own life.

REFUGE OF WHIRLING LIGHT

Monsters I ___________________________ Has anyone seen the monsters lately, the ones who thread your spine through the furnace or the ones who eat you and eat you and eat you? Haven’t you wanted always to burn, to learn how to light the match then not be consumed? The monsters are within. They eat you from the inside. But let them out and they become your playmates, not evil, not sucking out your life, but plotting with you, thinking up escapades, part of your gang of one. Your gang of many monsters. But wait, who calls them monsters? I think they might be friends. Why mince around? They are friends. The dictionary says of monsters: one who deviates from normal behavior and a threatening force and one who is highly successful and more at MIND. The monsters. Ah. Let’s go find them. We’ll let them out and play.

————Ecologies of the Heart: Open Systems

Monsters II ___________________________ Thanks Demons, for chewing at my stomach when my heart’s thrown back in my face; thanks for nipping at my heels, holding my elbows to remind me of all the times I’ve turned away from steep stairs, from a fog too dense; thanks Demons for disguising yourselves as escape routes, for greasing the way. But I’m not grateful for the sleep you’ve required of me, the solitude mixed with longing. And I’m not wholly behind my gratitude. I’d rather thank the sun, space, the mountains, the ones I love, the ones who love me, now and in the past; the world’s complexity and beauty, its calm implacability, where Demons don’t exist. In the cloisters’ paintings, contorted faces on the flying monsters are faces of small, furry bats: dark for night, ridged in dense swirling patterns so the insect nabbers can understand their world of echoes. So they can live. So much for monsters. The faces of my Demons? If I see them clearly and understand, will they cease tangling in my hair and go back to ricocheting from one bug to another in the darkness behind my eyes? The Demons come in waves, screeching and squeaking, but they intend no mischief: they simply live their lives the way they can.

REFUGE OF WHIRLING LIGHT

Can We Eat Together? ___________________________ The only two great subjects, someone said, are food and sex. I’ll share my lentils, lemons, linguine, olives if you’ll include me in your pesto, peaches, persimmons, and pistachioed pieces of baklava. Of questionable motives: besides the steaming soup and swallows of iced pears in chocolate, I mean to follow back your words along their fleshy trails: the nut crunch, expressoed, buttered scones that built the furniture of your self, on past the present future fires, metabolisms leveling gorgonzola to a hot equivalent of shrimp and of the latest just-discovered Sappho fragments. It only matters, it always matters, how the flavors mix and blend how the flavors mix and grow.

————Ecologies of the Heart: Open Systems

Long Afternoon ___________________________ We sat on the patio, both striped by the shade of cane stalks overhead, eating slowly on the plate of fruit: yellow mango, green melon, sweet strawberries; I listened to you talk about returning to healthy alignment: of head, of hara, and of the heart, a delicate node less centered than open, or perhaps closed down, protecting its seed. And more. About movement and how we are the only living beings not obligatorily aligned. That accounts for the pull we feel from nature. And more. We finished the fruit and retreated to the cool house where first we followed your recent days on road maps, then stretched parallel on the bed, aligned horizontally with ourselves and each other, understanding but not understanding, passing a new gate, but a gate we’d passed many times, always knowing the garden would somehow be changing as we entered it again.

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Klein Blue ___________________________ Yesterday I painted the chair Klein blue: blue shaded violet, darker than cornflowers, lighter than dusk sky. That blue means one thing in the art world; here it protects from the evil eye. Paint doors blue, paint gates blue, paint window frames blue to keep the house safe. Not something to say, but something to see, to sit in, to feel hard under my buns, to protect me from myself, as I sit in the patio, shuffling words and memories. He left yesterday. For three weeks. But that’s not why I painted the chair blue to match the lobelia. His leaving has left me more alone for now; but those minor demons of solitude threaten less than the demons of the stuck record, the tape loop, the same song on the juke box, the same meal every day. And yet. The repetition matters less than the incompleteness. The incompleteness requires the reprise, until finally I can turn the last corner so the next round will be different. The paint dried overnight. Yesterday the chair was red. Today it’s Klein blue.

————Ecologies of the Heart: Open Systems

The Dream ___________________________ Encumberance: demanding much attention, returning little for the effort. Tenacious, persistent, yelling in my ears. A white elephant, an albatross—something which no longer serves. But is this understanding based on economic theory? Give attention, give energy, give food and drink, give warmth and a bed of straw. Then you should expect a return to match what you’ve given. It’s a barter, where what you get must match what you give or it’s a bad deal, not wise, inefficient and not functional. Dumb. Informed by the wind or subterranean rumblings, not good sense. But love is not a barter. A gift cannot be a barter, or it ceases being gift. Can the answer be to love the white elephant? Giving her water to spray over her back is an easy task: not an investment. Love. The albatross, after all, still flies on long thin wings, gliding over the seas. You have not killed her, she doesn’t hang heavy and bleeding around your neck, feathers askew. Let go what no longer serves you: the repeated suggestion, the repeated hope. Perhaps first you must feed it, give it provisions and a map, then it will feel safe to go off into the world without you. Or, like the white elephants at the sea’s edge, roll in surf and dissolve, limb by limb, into foaming, roaring breakers.

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You Said ___________________________ You said, “He put wind in your sails,” with no overlays of jealousy. You knew you’d been wind before, were still; I knew you’d partly given me the sails, gaff-rigged my boat, sailed with me. But you were right: not that I’d been becalmed, in a back water, stymied, but I had felt the jib and mainsail fill and strain against their lines unexpectedly, white canvas blowing out and glittering in the sun, pulling against mast, against blocks as lines played out and bow cut waves, splashing salt water into damp air. Trim the jib, we’re heeled over, with a direction in mind if not a destination, dependent on the breeze, its strength variable, uncertain, no storms backing wind around. Tack east, zigzag on the chart, calipers ready, pacing off distances over buoyant sea, watching for shoals,

————Ecologies of the Heart: Open Systems 101

buoys, listening for bells and horns. But it’s my boat, the wind simply what’s given me a driving impulse, a sudden but sustained energy to sail on, to speed—where? Neither forward nor back nor to the distant light house. Simply to sail, to swell with invisible energy. I head the boat thus, let out the mainsheet and capture the breath of the breathing all around me, of your uncertain, of your sure, of your unbounded gusty weather.

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Sex is Informative ___________________________ Sex is informative. Or so I’ve just claimed elsewhere trying to tweak experience into logic, or explanation, or thinly veiled self-promotion. What hasn’t someone thought of, said smoothly or awkwardly or with elaborate filigrees? But this week isn’t last week, despite the familiar markers; the skin reacts with new leaps, new melting slides and what might once have been a roller coaster dip and quick curve has become a sail at dawn in a gaff-rigged wooden boat along a mangrove coast, spoonbills and night herons peering out at incoming tide. What might have told me how to shift my weight to keep my wind-surfer up to speed now suggests your heart’s fractal branchings, the canyons in your memory’s watershed ripe with early spring, my answering rivers, banks willow-full and fragrant.

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Section 6 ———

Ecologies of the Heart: Cycle I

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Somerset Reservoir ___________________________ Sun sear on black ice crossed with cracks, perforated with bubbles, pearls unstrung. We slide down tilted ice skin and penguin walk from snow island to snow island, ice giving back washed blue, white, sienna, grey trees. We keep twenty feet apart, necessity a mirror of our unease together. We stop. A mink runs in flex-backed awkwardness between us and the sun: movement, dark and silhouetted in the pale arena, a shadowed liveliness. We find her tracks: small with signs of dragging tail. Past the ice-locked hummock we stop again and turn our heads to listen to the low, reverberating gurgles blossoming into cold air just off shore—a low booming we can’t explain, but spend hours discussing as we traverse the cracking, moaning ice, more alive, more strangely alive than the forest creeks still trickling between frozen banks. A drumhead of ice, stretched seven miles? Or only the disjunct between ice and water, separated by airy space—only a little distance clips the hard connection and lets the solid winter world speak to us in tongues of brittleness, in percussive tongues, where words have been restored to their minimal requirement: liquid against air in an echoing chamber. We walk among muttering ice beings, we hear ice secrets, but between our own warm bodies pass no secrets at all, our mouths frozen, uncertain, far from any thaw.

————Ecologies of the Heart: Cycle I

Vermont ___________________________ These hills swell and breathe, threaded together by twisting roads, trails through stripped trees and sodden leaves. A lone figure crosses the field from the studio and enters the forest, heading downhill. The roads wind in a mysterious order I can’t know or even begin to grasp, my orientation skills here no better than a balloon aloft, a feather adrift. The town of Victorian buildings furnishes the local locus, quiet and gently busy, like the half-frozen creeks that drain these hillsides, slowly flowing over rocks, through pools, by the skeleton sweat lodge, its saplings bound together with cord, by the grey slate ring around fire gravel. The town pools cars and fires of woodstoves, the bookstore run by a man who once lived south of Santa Fe, its shelves graced by Coyote’s Canyon, Andy Goldsworthy’s rocks and leaves and ice crystals, compass points for my disorientation. The heavy skies shield the sun, even the shadows blocked from pointing west or east; and dusk leans into the roads as we drive back through the quiet labyrinth, white, narrow birches lighting the roadsides like solid beacons, pointing straight up to the sky.

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Sinking In ___________________________ And we sank into language, finally, like sinking into a warm sea, the ice dissolved, gone as if it never had held the water at bay. The surface closed over our heads and we grew gills and fins and our bodies began to flex in tune with the swells and because we were entrained with the rolling sea, the waves of words, finally we meshed with each other, and what we knew, however tentative and provisional, found its way across the gulf between us, across the bubbling liquid language to infiltrate the spaces between our shirts and skins, between our skins and pulsing blood. Words. One next to another, in strings, lines through time, but they always looped back and back and back then forward, dissolving into ourselves more completely the closer they matched our inner understandings, until no distance at all remained. We sank, breathing a primal unbound substance, melodic and charged, and for hours we swam unburdened by our lives, past or future, finding our momentary selves enough—

————Ecologies of the Heart: Cycle I 107

enough though we worked at making sense, we worked at getting at some claim on what is real, not minding that the answers eluded us, not minding that we’d temporarily lost our will to find the surface. The real surrounded us, held us gently, and the breathing sea swept us imperceptibly through the light into an embracing illuminated dark.

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Coiled Serpents ___________________________ My life is mine; yours is yours. But to keep track, suddenly, of where you are and when, the Yucatan, Vermont, Death Valley, adds a layer to my wandering mind, what I inscribe on my inner calendar, its rock spirals suddenly reconfigured into snakes and frogs and laughing lizards, all fluid creatures whose blood responds to sun, whose liveliness depends on warmth and flowing blood and whose clocks are tuned to daily rhythms in a way ours aren’t. My clock’s tuned these days to a constant wash of words, the sea, at depth, where light rarely reaches. I tumble until I’m thrust upward into light again, but never to the surface. I sink again, unsure how deep I’ve gone, with no way to predict how long I’ll be there. But somewhere, in my pancreas, my liver, perhaps even in my heart I know you’re out in air, your calendar coiling and uncoiling like rock serpents dance when we’ve finally turned our backs and moved on down the trail, the wind singing, the wind singing, the wind always singing.

————Ecologies of the Heart: Cycle I

Iguanas ___________________________ The iguanas sun themselves, green and scaley, eating crunchy beetles, wiggly ants, but mostly barely mobile in tropical heat. At 5th Avenue and 13th Street the huge iguana on the roof kept getting stolen. One day there, twenty feet of painted lizard staring down on traffic, the next, a bare roof. In Key West, the iguana man always comes to the pier for sunset, brown and wrinkled, riding his bike, an iguana or two lounging on his shoulders under frayed brim. The iguanas sun themselves in the Yucatan, next to Mayan ruins, next to tourist bars, small dragons with mysterious minds. I have no grounding here, only imagination, remembered humid heat, remembered sea, remembered iguanas, remembered tourist bars, remembered pictures of Mayan ruins. But it is not iguanas that interest me here, it is their sunning, their languid stillness, their geographic coordinates which place one, many, near your warm, toasting skin.

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Spence Hot Spring ___________________________ Up the other side of the canyon the hot pool steamed. We sat at first in the car, pelted with wet snow, and talked of containers to increase the heat in groups, in couples, the exits closed, the lid on, the steam cooking, healing psychic wounds. I talked of time as a container. You talked of agreed-upon rules: no fantasies of other lovers, say. The snow stopped, we negotiated muddy paths downhill, across a lively stream, up among roots to a stone enclosure: four naked men sat quietly neck deep in hot water. We stripped and stepped in, to cook gently under close clouds, under ponderosas smelling of pitch and wind. In time the pool’s population changed: an air force guy about to move to Iceland where their thermal springs heat greenhouses large enough to support banana plantations, and six college kids from Minnesota on spring break. The light slowly faded to a dim softness, the drizzle misted over us, our bodies eased. We dressed and headed down in gathering shadows, trying not to slip in wet, well-worn braided trails. You asked, “Number 4?” referring to my list, postponed as we’d left the car. On my list, #4 read, contradictory impulses, internal release. I kept my silence until we’d driven some miles back down the road, then restarted our exchange of words,

————Ecologies of the Heart: Cycle I 111

as we watched the wet night through windshield unmarked by flying sand. The heater blew it free of any vapors, our moist breaths mingling in the swirling air contained between us.

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Autonomy ___________________________ It’s what Tibet wants from China. You are not a country, but autonomy’s what you’ve fought so hard to gain. You’ve never been a colony, a protectorate, a conquered land, though that’s how you’ve felt: dependent, needy, a slave to another’s whims, taxes exacted from your emotional lands in order that you could survive. Autonomy—it’s what I’ve always had: independence, self-determination, trade between free nations, the authority to make foreign policy on my own, fly my own flag, speak my own language, eat my own foods, make my own laws. Not pay tribute to another. You claim to have regained your sovereignty, so you can finally make your own treaties, pursue your national interests outside your borders because you’ve discovered gold, you’ve hit oil, you’ve invented a product the world will pay for. But you still have your history inscribed on the inside of your skin, and your foreign office isn’t quite sure of itself, your Air Force constantly flying sorties along your coast, your Navy at full alert. I saw you as someone free to enter into treaties, into trade agreements, free to call off the Border Guards. But I’d not known what a young country you really were.

————Ecologies of the Heart: Cycle I

Is He Like the Peaco*ck? ___________________________ Is he like the peaco*ck, his visionary feathers spread in two-dimensional display? Real, but not quite what he seems, though exactly what he is? Or like the hummingbird whose freefalls and quick pull ups a second before the ground join with a descending Morse code siren, high and eerie, an emissary from another world in desert dusk? Or is he like the invisible blue grouse in dense thickets along the foothills of the Rockies, calling like a movie monkey with rising, panting hoots? Displays for love, temporary and deluding? Or does it depend on who reads the cues? Or whether they mean the same to actor and to audience? We’re human, not mating birds, and how we signal gives many meanings. But I’m surprised at how his plumes and knowing eyes sprout from such a small, warm animal curled around itself in a cold room on a wind-swept plain. I’ve known he wasn’t putting on a show for me, or for any other woman; I’ve known no one is quite what their costumes imply. But I expected more.

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Brattleboro ___________________________ The bridge stretched across the wide river, silver in overcast afternoon. I crossed to dripping woods, dense and green, and walked by water, meaning to ease my inner turmoil, walking only, not thinking, except at first about the wet, the close cool air, the streams across the path frequent and loud. I turned back, finally, when two orange posts appeared. I recrossed the bridge, stopped dead center to watch wet bright skin move under me. I returned to the bench where a stranger waited, though I’d come to visit him and had meant to share his bed that night. I wouldn’t. Instead we’d drive north in the dark, I’d listen to more of his confusion, but feel my anger fade, overtaken by the puzzles we tried to sort through, even as their pieces morphed before us,

————Ecologies of the Heart: Cycle I 115

within us. “This is a watershed,” I said, and much more. Did he hear me? Late we drove around the quiet town, the posh Inn the only choice. Finally he said, “I’m sorry this is happening this way.” It stuttered out, barely audible. We walked together down circular stairs into the misting night. “I hope this won’t be too hard on you,” I said. “I think it might be,” he said, still a stranger, still a cipher, even to himself.

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Along the Gila, April ___________________________ Stars bright through junipers, river rush, frogs in noisy love. We sat on thermarests, pots from dinner turned over on red space blanket, candle lantern between us. You told me more of the dull greyness from your childhood, the response to your lively color: they tried to beat you back to grey. And forty years later, despite your escape, despite your mind, despite your explorations, despite your life filled with many people and riches of emotional release, the grey persisted, washing over your color: the color had ceased to bloom. My heart hurt. But I knew more about your lingering inner greyness and grasped my difficulty— to balance what I needed with what I could do to help you find what might still blossom among the ashes.

————Ecologies of the Heart: Cycle I

Who to Trust? ___________________________ Concoct explanations from thin air, chimeras of inner needs, images unrelated to him? She stands accused of that, and other things, prime among them of having deeper feelings than he, second of having more desire. Yet it is not unrequited, wholly, and he feels pulled to her for reasons not quite clear. Perhaps in his accusations he’s grateful for her claimed transgressions; perhaps more prone to build his own spectral shades which float only partly embodied in the ether of the imaginal. But with words attached, and bodies, their two human hearts sometimes hurt, sometimes simply beat gently. She doesn’t know if she is guilty of the charges, has no judge or jury to help her sort it out, though she knows no one can be trusted as much as she trusts herself. And yet she doesn’t know, beyond not trusting her accuser’s eyes, wanting the evidence explored together in a court not of law, not of stained oak, hard benches, and interminable procedures, but where the river cuts the canyon, the cottonwoods leaf out, and words slip away on wind. The wind feels so young. How else to say it? The wind feels so young.

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Hunger ___________________________ At least, she thought, he’s not simply reacted to her because she stepped forward, holding her heart in her hands. Others, he said, lately had done the same. But then she understood: he saw mostly her gesture, the offer, the approach and felt himself the source of her movement, the magnet that drew her. Less he saw her heart, what she offered him of herself, what she offered him of himself, through the circling dances, the interlocking words. She grasped it finally: the power she gained simply by seeking him, opening herself to his whims. But what she’d opened in him was not what she’d hoped: a hunger to explore together. She’d opened a different hunger, an old hunger, with its matching antidote: the hunger to be loved above all else, to fill an emptiness which can’t be filled, the hunger which finally made him feel weak. Its antidote: to keep distant, to disempower her. The hunger, its mated weakness and its antidote had less to do with her than the stars turning in the night sky. Yet she kept her hands in front of her, toward him, her heart resting on their upturned palms.

————Ecologies of the Heart: Cycle I

Closed on Air ___________________________ Possession. Possess. Hold it in your hands and believe you can grasp it forever; but then you realize to hold one thing enslaves your hand. What you intend to keep fast, not let get away, holds your fingers and thumb and palm much more completely than you could ever hold it. Your hand, in possessing, is stopped entirely from moving. Better open the fingers and believe that is the only way to hold anything: to keep near, to keep your own ability to point and touch and clap and thread a needle. I know this, I learned it when I first fell in love, though perhaps I knew it already, feeling my hand neither gloved nor bandaged, nor in a tight fist, as freedom—but a freedom hidden, not easily visible, so more possible, more successful. Hold a pen and write. It is not the pen you care about, not the pen that matters, its narrow barrel resting on the fleshy skin between thumb and forefinger, its clip reflecting silver; but the words, which the hand can never hold, never possess. How can anyone think otherwise? How can love ever lead to such an illusion, to the gripped immobile fingers, closed on air? Empty.

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A Small Poke With a Cactus Spine ___________________________ A small poke with a cactus spine, an accidental cut with an exacto knife, hitting my head hard on the top of the garden door, stepping on a wet log in the forest and sliding sideways to land with a thud. Not bad hurts, not past healing, but sudden and unexpected, partly due to inattention, partly to some molecular configuration: bad luck. You’ve hit me somehow: slapped me, or kicked me in the shin, or thrown a snowball with a rock embedded, grazing my temple. And yet perhaps you don’t even know your flailing arms have caught me like a punch. Or perhaps you’re simply engrossed in your complicated, wild dance and I happened to come within range, to get clipped in the side by your swinging arm, swatted alongside my head with your open hand, so the world spun for awhile. Hurt from inattention. Yours.

————Ecologies of the Heart: Cycle I 121

Would it be better if you’d meant to cause me pain? How strange, even, for me to think in such terms, taking on your childhood, not mine, as the operable metaphor. When I gouged my hand along the Gila, I almost fainted, but not quite. I knew what to do to care for myself. I’d hoped to keep the moon-shaped scars on my palm. But for their memory, they’ve disappeared completely.

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Put A Stone In Your Mouth ___________________________ Put a stone in your mouth and keep it there clinking against your teeth, causing you to mumble, to be aware of your mouth always, so you don’t swallow it. Worry it with your tongue, park it between your lower molars and your cheek. It makes your saliva flow, lubricating your palate. Hold its small roundness under your tongue, a lump like a pea under the princess’s mattress, move it from side to side, testing its hardness between your teeth once in awhile. It doesn’t get softer, it doesn’t get smaller, it doesn’t change shape. Could you put more stones in your mouth so they bump against each other, adding other tones to the oral percussive possibilities?

————Ecologies of the Heart: Cycle I 123

You want so much to bite down on it, hoping it will crack open to a soft center like a geode filled with honey, but you know you can’t: your teeth would break first. But can you spit it out, the smoothed mineral, so you can eat easily again? No. No more than you can grow a tail, or put extra joints in your legs, give yourself prehensile toes, add six inches to your height or leave who you are behind.

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Again and Again ___________________________ Within repeated dailiness I watch my own uncertainty as if it were a lab specimen. Early sun filters through the growing cane, shadows indistinct and fragmented across pale carpet, across legs still in fuzzy pants against the morning chill. Low rumble from freeway traffic half a mile away, bird chirps, a grackle squawk, distant hammering. Cool air through open door. I think of turning the compost, of putting in tomato plants, of washing the rug, of taping Justine and Mountolive for a friend, of whether I might borrow his kayak to go down the Yampa. My specimen uncertainty: I take it out again for dissection, smell its formaldehyde. Though I’ve cut it up before, the wrinkled organs have miraculously regenerated, so I can slice away connective tissue with my sharp scalpel again to see how the pancreas and spleen and gall bladder rest near the stomach. I can cut again the stomach’s tough rind to reveal the inner convolutions, and find again the stones I inadvertently swallowed, their smooth sides impervious to living digestive juices,

————Ecologies of the Heart: Cycle I 125

immune to formaldehyde, hard enough to break my scalpel’s blade. The core of my uncertainty is revealed again and again, but never found on any map of its arcane anatomy.

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I’d Murdered You ___________________________ I’d murdered you, but regretted it. Besides, what if they found out and arrested me? You lay immobile in some room not close, not too far, on your back, on your bed. I fretted, I mourned, I grieved, I worried about the “authorities”—who were they? No one seemed as distraught as I’d expected, but they planned your service. You lay on the ground, wrapped everywhere except your face. Arms, legs, torso, but you were contorted like a creature not quite human. And I saw you move! As if you needed to escape your chrysalis. Maybe! Maybe you weren’t dead after all. I went to you, leaned over. You still moved, stretching almost, but you weren’t conscious, not alive again. I spoke, “Come back, at least come back for me. If you love me, come back to this world,” I begged. “Do you love me?” I asked in a plaintive woman’s voice. How many times has that been asked? Then you looked at me full for a moment, eyes wide, and said, “Yes, but not enough.”

————Ecologies of the Heart: Cycle I

New York ___________________________ On the stage two men stood facing the full audience, no props. In the plot they stood against a camp fence in Nazi Germany, imprisoned because they loved men. They stared out at us but addressed each other, twenty feet apart. “I lick your co*ck.” “I run my hand from your armpit down your side across your belly between your legs under your balls.” They continued until we all squirmed in our seats. The power of words: they live on physical memory, they live by themselves, they live as they were spoken by living men, to a living audience, in a contrived scene. The two men spoke as if we weren’t there, aware we were. They spoke through layers of history and invented worlds. We heard with our bodies and our blood flowed faster, our erectile tissues engorged, our breaths picked up speed—we were all transgressing some boundaries, we were all engrossed in the story, we were all engulfed in our own sexual lives, our memories and desires, our futures and pasts, imaginations like caresses, like flesh on flesh, but in words, in that setting more memorable than the f*ck with your lover last week, more attuned with your hair-trigger inner spark than a kiss on your own warm neck.

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Section 7 ———

Ecologies of the Heart: Cycle II

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This Is Not A Test ___________________________ Question the world. Question yourself. Question not for answers, but for the attitude of questioning, for the meandering response which will take you down roads unimagined. To question means you don’t know but are curious and will listen. Question the wind and the water, the heavens milky with stars; but more than that, question the faint steam rising from your tea, question the owl’s wing, question the wood of your table top, the wool of your sweater, dark green and smelling of sage smoke.

————Ecologies of the Heart: Cycle II 131

Ask questions of your lover, but don’t expect your curiosity satisfied, don’t expect a neat package like questions and answers on a test. This is not a test. This is an owl’s wing, the memories of mountains, and the stones on the trails to the tops of mountains, the hawk circling below, the wind, the trails down. This is not a test: this is the waves breaking on a black beach, the soft sand in ridges as you wade out. This is the phosphorescence at night that follows your bodies as they glide through the salty wet.

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San Antonio ___________________________ In cold night the hot pools steamed, fogging the stars, baking our bodies, raking the silence with splash and rush of spring water arcing from its source into moving flow where we sat, waist deep, warmed, exploring the gravel bottom, the rocks, the short wooden benches someone had made and left for all unknown soakers. We could see, but not well; we could hear, but not well. We sat closer than we had before, our bare thighs and arms touching lightly. You didn’t move away. I didn’t move away. And we both noticed. I thought, “Trouble? No, this is safe.” Cold drops formed in mid air, fell in sudden pointed thrills on foreheads, shoulders. We sat alone among firs and granite rocks, the canyon steep below, leaving only star-rich sky, hot mist; our words stayed light, loose, our minds innocent, unaware, our bodies in the primal wash knowing past any knowing. When we talked about it later, we agreed on facts: “Here’s a bench for two,” I said and you hopped over. Without thought I melted into you. The utter basics. “We probably shouldn’t do too much of this,” I said as we stood in the knee-deep water and you hoisted me onto your hips, the cold air no longer cold, the air no longer air, our bodies pure light.

————Ecologies of the Heart: Cycle II

Mapping ___________________________ Can he understand the way your hand bends at its wrist when you’re explaining the reasons scarlet runner beans need pole teepees, or the way the snake disappeared between tree roots? What is more erotic than to try to understand another? To abandon the pampered focus on yourself and try to grasp an attitude that grows from a history as unlike yours as ancient Rome differs from the Green River flowing through orange cliffs. Watch the delicate folds around eyes and understand the shapes his words define may be clear, but so strange you seem to see through wavery water filled with bubbles. The more details you find, the more parts begin to work together, the more you’re taken out of yourself, the more pleasure and release for both. You see his upper arms, twice as wide as yours, you see them taper to his narrow wrists, you see his long fingers, you watch them move in the air: the river goes around a bend, his fingers say, and the hot spring is just at the base of a cliff, back from the water, across a gravel beach. His fingers drop again to his thighs, quiet.

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Two Places At Once ___________________________ To be in two places at once stretches ligaments and tendons past anything imagined in dance class, torso folded over outstretched legs, hamstrings pulling a little against their tightness, lower back releasing vertebrae by vertebrae, the tiny spaces in sacrum loosening, mouth, finally, close enough to knees so you can bite them if you wanted; and legs spread wide apart on the floor, inner thighs and those soft tissues at your femurs’ heads all that’s holding you back from splits the twenty-year-olds revel in, their fronts lying flat before them, their mobile hips open, open, so legs angle bodies to a leotarded “T.”

————Ecologies of the Heart: Cycle II 135

To be in two places at once stretches the softest tissues— the ones where no muscle bundles contract and relax in an ionic soup—the tissues which slide across each other in memory, where warm-up proceeds not by counts of eight, repeated, but by counts of fifteen or nine-and-a-half or thirty-one. And once you’re warm enough to dance, you leave the floor, the class dissolves to space or into sunrise or dried coneflowers or a round stone. And you’re warm. What might once have felt like contorting has stretched to fluid movements, elastic space and time, reflecting back as if two places were after all just different parts of the same glowing whole.

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A Good Family Man ___________________________ One crow calls, the rough repeated note penetrating adobe walls. Cold January but bright sun. The only picture of my uncle Hobart is from Deming, in a raincoat over bare legs, in sunglasses—out for the cure, maybe, no one knows. He was the black sheep, I’ve been told, not a good family man, so the divorce was OK. What does that mean? He drank, he f*cked, he made no money, he wandered away? I do not know, know only my father, his younger brother, felt the weight of right behavior. But is my DNA inscribed somehow with my uncle’s rangy ways? But—no use, only speculation. I’ve gone to childhood for telling moments; a distant uncle’s life can’t help much. The crow has quieted. A good family man—I’ve never wanted one, not wanting to be a good family woman, and yet I feel the pull now. Cold outside. But the sun through the south window will warm the front room all day. I’ll talk to you later. A good family man, caught in the grip of an ideal image with fangs. You want out. You’ve found in me, in this dry land, an escape, the cure. Can you take it? But do I want you, a good family man?

————Ecologies of the Heart: Cycle II

Winter Chaco ___________________________ Camped in Chaco by a fire against bitter cold, I read you dreams dreamed in the Gila. You listened, attentive, present. As we sat half hot, half freezing, far away my mother dreamed she’d lost me—dreamed her mother in vivid presence, standing with an angel. My mother asked the two if they knew where to find me, always the wayward child. And my grandmother, with her ethereal hair, looked sad beyond bearing, not wanting to tell, but finally said, “She fell—she’s gone.” My mother woke with a start, not knowing I’d gone to the canyon filled with time and history and the shades of long-gone beings, their skeletal stone structures as telling and as beautiful as bleached bones. I hadn’t fallen, I hadn’t gone farther than down the road. Gone, I wonder, who else might be gone? What else? I read you more than the dreaming tale, I read you about my life as woman, my resistance to an enforced shape; but also about my hard-won match of my mother’s struggles against expectations, about her own mother’s refusal to be held down, held back, held to a static show. The words lifted with cedar sparks, faded into icy night, bounced off rocks, gone with the fire’s light.

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Robe of Raw Silk ___________________________ You are a robe of raw silk, rough, not slinky, sheen among coarse strands, color of oatmeal or freshly cut pine branches, outer bark stripped. I feel my shoulders rub against your silk— smooth and rough at once. You are ripe vegetables just picked, warm skin of summer squash, eggplant, tomatoes, ungainly fava beans in their pods, red sweet peppers hiding many seeds in convoluted inner reaches. I taste you, meal by meal. You are sitar music, with its rhythms unlike rhythms from childhood, slides and bends disrupting well-tempered scales— but you live uneasily in such rhythms, in such variable pitches, hoping always to make yourself a motet, harmonics vibrating into open sky. Your plucked strings pull me beyond a regular beat, past a scale with only white keys and black keys, into chanting, birdsong, whale music; your pulse pulls me into rhythms and counter rhythms from the ocean floor, water shaken into waves by lava erupting into dark wet depths.

————Ecologies of the Heart: Cycle II

The Gate ___________________________ At some distance attempts to make sense start, woven with memory and desire; does the sense I make embrace worry more than possibility? Do I see barbed wire more than long summer grasses on the fence’s other side? On this side? For whatever has changed has not shattered the world, but only opened a gate, wide and creaking between two pastures not grazed for years so the ground hasn’t been trampled, the plants not nibbled to nubs, but grown tall enough to bloom, seed heads hanging heavy, beating in time to the wind and the pull of their weight, anchored to the ground. The gate: weathered wood, no barbed wire. I see now—the fences only give sign men have been here, ordering the land, making provisional divisions, temporary lines over the rises, but their fences are permeable, and never permanent, despite their tenacity. The gate’s no longer latched and even the illusion of separation means less and less. The gate never stopped the wind, never kept seeds from sprouting in the next field, always stood as a sign only, a barrier only in name. And we’ve crossed it. In both directions we’ve crossed it.

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Sheets I ___________________________ I’ve bleached the sheets in the tub and one hangs whitely out the door in front of me, blown by wind, still damp, leaf shadows moving across it. No blood, no stains, just a dingy greyness from many nights alone; no crusty love spots, no memories. White canvas, white paper, white sheets; cotton, cool, bright. Stark white. Not antiseptic; open and simple. Elegant and basic. But white: Moby Dick meditations, cold, ominous. The Sikhs wear white, or is it the Sufis? Snow, weasels in winter called ermines, ice, crescent ends of my fingernails, my eyes, minus their irises and blood vessels, this house’s inner walls. Swan feathers by the bed, arranged in the blueberry pot, smooth glaze mottled maroon—long white feathers joined with a macaw’s blue. White. Bleached. Cotton, catching wind. Clouds, fog. Bones. Ivory. White stones. Wool. I resist purity, milk, white bread. The white—this bleached sheet lifting and falling out my door calls to me “hot skin on coolness, summer dawns entwined with bodies, the boat which takes you to deep forgetfulness, sails into deep remembering.”

————Ecologies of the Heart: Cycle II

Sheets II ___________________________ The wind woke me in the night, moving trees in rushing rackets. I turned out of covers, hot; I snuggled back under, cold, cool air blowing through open door; I woke and curved my arm around the softest pillow, filled with down, slid my legs to a cool quadrant of the cotton sheets; I slept and dreamed an old lover and his mate passed me leaving the concert: he apologetic, she gloating, again and again. The wind disappeared, I slept; the wind returned, I woke. The moon brightened the room, a silver patch on louvered closet doors. I turned over, I turned back, the sheets molded over my body, gentle weight, caressing. I thought, half awake, of how it’s been sleeping alone, of how it is sleeping again next to another, reaching out in sleep to grasp a hand, an arm encircling me from the back, kissing a palm, feeling my shoulder brushed with a cheek. I sleep little, awake at every flop next to me, but it’s not like being wakened by the wind racing outside at a distance. The body next to me has no armor; we’re enclosed together in smooth cotton. Pressed against you I sleep dreamless. I wake to feel your weight of dreaming ease beside me.

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Wind / Not Wind ___________________________ Moving away from, moving toward. Do we feel those forces as the same, and if not the same, then complements of each other, as the wind blowing past: moving away from, moving toward, no fixed destination, no fixed point of origin— the only point where we stand, how we see from our temporary rooted spot. The metaphor of wind. But metaphors can cloud the issues, obscure the situation, fuzz the heart, fuzz our understanding of others’ hearts. You have a place, a moving place, a life to move away from, a universe to move toward. You are not wind, but the forces still rise from both directions. And they defy a simple view. Your destination pushes you away, a dragging anchor pulls you back.

————Ecologies of the Heart: Cycle II 143

Love this land and it will love you in return. There’s help here. But there others depend on you and resent it. You hate their dependence, you hate their resentment and are hurt by it. Yet their lives mirror your own: they want away, they want to move outward; they are held by invisible webs as you are held, frozen by fear. But we all must keep moving. We have only the choice of how we fling our bodies into the racing air. We don’t have the choice to stop.

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Flood ___________________________ Opaque, you said, my life looks opaque to me. I can’t see my way clear. I don’t know what’s next. I need a new mission statement. You lay among cotton sheets disordered like stream banks three weeks after a flood, plants ripped out, torn limbs and leaves in messy piles, but new shoots poking up, drenched with fecund flood water, reviving, pruned, not wounded. Lying on your back, you looked at the ceiling, answering my questions with sentences minus their last words. On either side, you said, I have a woman: one dressed in leather with a whip howling how she feels, telling me what to do. It enrages me. The other is concerned about what is Right, the Correct Image. She works on me with needles. I answer her by going to sleep. I said, again, you’re right, they hold you on either side, but don’t you want to move forward neither in rage, nor asleep? I lifted my bare leg over yours, the early sun glowed on white sheets, white walls. Neither woman flanking you was me. Inside: my own flood, my own new green shoots.

————Ecologies of the Heart: Cycle II

The Wing ___________________________ On the table by the bed the blueberry pot filled: white swan wing feathers molted by the pond behind Moonstone Beach, one hyacinth macaw’s from Sally’s tail at the Providence zoo, a redtail’s tail feather from a friend who has a federal permit, one from a roadrunner, a little chewed, and a handful of black ones: from crows or ravens. Walking by the ditch on Christmas Day I found a pair of crow wings, the remaining meat of their shoulder joints still bloody where the coyote had ripped them from three bites of body, two graceful soft sculptures, dark against the dry path. I gave you the left one, the one more spread, though not fanned entirely open. For your left sandal, as Hermes, grin raising your beard. By the blueberry pot filled with feathers the white sheets lie in disorder, though I’ve slept in them alone for five days, your body gone—your body with its well-behaved chest hair lying so smoothly between your dark nipples. I remember the first time I touched their ordered patterns in a kind of rapture—your body is in snowy New England, your black wing stored in my back closet. Take the wing in your mind, in your heart, and use it: no one will expect you to rise into the clouds, into the cold blowing snow. Surprise can be everything. Fly.

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The Mountain ___________________________ Does distance make things clear? In this light unimpeded by trees, the mountain sixty miles off takes on a presence, a shape hard to track from ten miles. Two miles. Touch distance. Your sister warns, “Go slow.” We don’t disagree. Your sister warns, with less quotable language, “You meant to find your own center. Doesn’t love interfere with that?” We see the danger. But love has helped me always to grow into myself, watered deeply, fertilized, photosynthesis on overdrive. I don’t know what her warning means to you, surrounded now by snowless hills, converted farmhouses, generations of silent men, their women wanting and made shrewish by deep hungers. I breathe this cold bright air, watch the sun climb adobe walls, see the mountain in the distance, know my own center belongs here, and on the mountainside,

————Ecologies of the Heart: Cycle II 147

but know my view of you is obscured by distance, my inner mirages floating peacefully. Jung says you can be in the valley, fighting in the war, or watch it from the mountainside: it looks quite different. Is it the same war? The mountain can be climbed, its trails winding invisible from here. But I have climbed them, and have felt their turns and inclines, boulders and rubble. The mountain. Is the mountain the same mountain?

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Back There ___________________________ I What must it take for you to imagine killing yourself? Or if you’re only saying that, what must it mean about your sense of powerlessness? About the extremes you feel you must go to get the kind of attention you need? I’ve known you nearly thirty years and I’ve never seen your despair. Can it ever be quieted? I know I am not the cause, but the man you show your need loves me, and I am implicated. I feel him pull away from me, drawn back to your needs; and my heart, filled with compassion for you, for your free-floating pain, turns in my breast. I am stricken, surprised to be woken in the night by my own tears. I have always thought, my mind alert to conditions, histories, personalities, “He’s too caught, he won’t leave. He will shrivel back there, but the cords are strong.” With a certain dispassion. Clear-eyed, not happy, but grounded. I hoped, regardless. But now I feel it, feel the loss of possibility, for him, for me, and I ache. Your ache is old, I know, it merely changes form. I don’t discount it, I don’t understand it. But I see it growing, recruiting other pain in an effort to cure itself, a futile kind of effort.

————Ecologies of the Heart: Cycle II 149

I have no answer. No. I will not be so passive. I have no answer except to speak, to feel this pain, sudden and surprising, to speak of it in its particulars, to feel its sharp edge.

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Back There ___________________________ II His message startled me, flickering up on the screen at dinnertime, from his cold New England landlocked hills. I feared he’d been swallowed again: walls built of things, piles of papers, known conversation, expected movement, expected silence. He had begun the slide, but pulled out. I didn’t think he’d do it, speak his heart when he knew a tornado would follow. Well. The winds were already at gale force, the landscape not bucolic. He spoke into a storm, a blinding blizzard, or more accurately, into a fog which drifted through bare trees, shapes appearing and disappearing. A fog at sea, where water laps the hull and sudden buoys clang their bells. Through the fog he spoke. Did he remember this desert light?

————Ecologies of the Heart: Cycle II

Care ___________________________ When does caring cross the line and turn into oppression, the cared-for one feeling her own strength and competence sapped? How hard to fight another’s impulse for the good. How hard to take gestures of love and reject them because they come with a price. The cost is loss of self—not entirely, but small chinks break off; capacity, not used, atrophies. Can the lover not see that? Or is he blinded by his own need to give? Is such need met by love in return, or does that matter? “I care for you, enfold me in thanks.” It seems too pat. But is it another version of those little boys who wanted to help me hammer when I could hammer better even if I was a girl? They assumed I couldn’t, took no time to see and wanted to do it themselves to show their hammering skill. I never let them, always incensed at their blindness, incensed they treated me like an inferior. A girl. Is that it? Partly. And yet. Real need exists. And me—the other side— where does competence cross the line and become a barrier? And can I simply turn the tables, caring for another to feel my own strength? Ah. There it is. Caring for another must be for the other to feel her strength, not weakness, and requires a different kind of love.

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Gallup ___________________________ For now you live in the quintessential Western town a century after Romance: red rock cliffs, rodeo grounds, Navajos in pickups, fast food by the interstate, the old hotel with pix of movie stars housed and fed for cowboy flicks, Hollywood in the desert: fake stories, real sky, real space. Your temporary digs have views of busy tracks, trains calling like hungry animals all night, of the freeway filled with trucks, of the mesa north of town winter dry, of old Route 66 alive with old pawn in vaults; your three rooms furnished with fake flowers, a white couch and matching chair, a high-end stereo with speakers large enough to hide coyotes. You’re still hiding from your life, sorting out the changes: temporary from permanent. I drive two hours, blessed again and always by the light, craving time with you. You spend long hours seeing Indians with the flu; meet a shaman who helps drug-addicted kids but needs aspirin for his fever. I sleep off my own viral pall while you talk to your Eastern life: you’re hiding but not off the grid. The words hang like dusty damask inside the house, in your mind.

————Ecologies of the Heart: Cycle II 153

Outside, the desert night opens to lights blinking from a hundred miles, another freight bellowing past. I wake, we cook broccoli and steak, potatoes and mushrooms, I speak from high mesas, land without swamps or mildew; I call to you. You want to hear, you know what you’ve left, but don’t yet know how you fit this new land, if you fit this new light, where to find the pattern you can weave yourself into, where to find yourself.

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Shaman ___________________________ You’d been visiting a Navajo in his suburban ranch house; he claimed to be a shaman, saw images in coals next to a carved white buffalo, a stone horny toad, said your intuition was blocked by anger, by hiding behind your doctor’s mask, by withholding information from your wife. You’d been pulled in, taken with his insight, no matter how obvious his rap. After midnight when you touched my bare shoulder I rose from deep sleep to your single sentence, “I’m supposed to sleep alone tonight to consolidate the healing.” Ears unfiltered by my waking self, I heard hatred of women, of the body; I heard your credulity, blindness; I heard your retreat from contact; I felt myself brushed aside for a wooden nickel, a sneering slap at Eros. And from my depths rose a fury I couldn’t contain, didn’t want to contain. The distance of your body, your silence read like control, braille I couldn’t ignore. I knew it in my blood: I didn’t want to control you, but I would not be strapped down, put in my place, accused without words of interfering with your wholeness. You tried at first to stop me,

————Ecologies of the Heart: Cycle II 155

then simply watched as I packed the truck, thawed frozen ropes on the back with my bare hands, drove away east. I sobbed into the night; in an hour I turned back. For myself. I knew I ran from my own burning coal. Three days later I still wonder if my fury will always be called up by something in you.

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On Navajo Land ___________________________ We stood under towers named Church Rock in cold sun. Above us, across bare sandstone, peach and cream, skittered many sheep—or were they goats?— strung out, followed by two then three rez dogs, then three puppies, dark spots on the bleached landscape, all running so far away they ran silently. Then the herder crossed, in a faded pink shirt hot in wind-shaped rock, a sweatshirt hood against the cold. She—or he?—disappeared behind the far rise, then reappeared, looking back at us, unmoving, alert, a speck of humanness: our momentary look into days repeated and repeated. Next to me Sylvia waved and the herder turned away, slipped below curved pale stone, followed sheep and dogs. We hiked on up, four Anglos, all past fifty, all herding our own sheep, sometimes following them across high trails, sometimes leading them; the grass sparse and dry, the world overlapping our travels here and there: selling our wool, making our rugs, turning away as strangers wave. But mostly we cross the rocks and hills alone with the dogs and sheep, taking in the rough land, stark and vast, never knowing what’s beyond that next rocky ridge.

————Ecologies of the Heart: Cycle II

Rock Creek Pottery ___________________________ We sat on their deck, weathered grey, lichen sprouting even from the solid chairs; we ate olives and almonds, rice cakes and green tea. Moist spring, leafy engulfment. In their house: many rough stoneware platters from Japan, legions of their own pots, dark log walls, dark wood floor, skylights open to the mists. I’d brought you to these old friends: a college roommate who’d found her match twenty years back. In their barn: a simple showroom, bowls and vases and teapots arranged on shelves. In their pottery: kickwheels, a light patina of dried clay everywhere. In their bathroom: a dark blue sunken tub, an original Hokusai print. In their guestroom: a PowerMac and new HP printer. In the morning we found a spotted orange salamander in the blooming vinca—I’d never seen one; as a kid, you’d found them by the hundreds. That evening you told them about your topsy-turvy life, they told us about diving among spawning groupers in the Caribbean, I told them about mountain lions in the Gila, they told us about becoming Zen monks, then Zen masters, then stopping zazen altogether because ego had intruded like a dragon. The next morning we drove down the mountain, through blinding rain on the interstate, finally to the ocean, where lightning flashed silently for hours.

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Present ___________________________ Now they all say. That’s the answer, the only answer. And I gaze out at the garden in the half light of a snowy dawn, yellow grasses nearly white; I feel the tea’s warmth in my mouth, washing down my throat; note my left hand’s cool fingers on my cheek, my chin resting in its palm. Present. Now. But to be human is to remember other quiet times, to feel them in my cells, to remember other snows, even other snows in this garden, so hungry for moistness. To be human is to know in two hours I will choose white potatoes, sweet potatoes, celery from the bins of winter vegetables, will take the medium hot chile out of the freezer for the green chile stew I will make in case you’re hungry for food when your drive across snowy desert ends at my door,

————Ecologies of the Heart: Cycle II 159

when you’ll step into my warmth, smelling of cold air, smiling, when I’ll put my body inside your arms, when I’ll put my arms around your warm being, when I’ll pay attention to any differences you grew into while you sat, breathing for ten days silently, but among others, when I’ll pay attention to any changes in myself, remembering how I was a month ago when you left. Now it will be in ten hours. Ten hours from now.

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Inner Weather ___________________________ Fronts move through with storms washed in blood, calms of sleep, or the strange cloud formations which appear and disappear in dreams over rainforests, sun sliding below green to illuminate everything at sunset. Winds blow in from due west, carrying dust fogs, particles from the past which cling together like solid objects and are gone as quickly as they came. Flash through. Like anger in children. Or the predictability of summer afternoons: conditions are right, the ground of being has sucked up heat, emotional ferment has begun to steam and bake, spilling itself into the air, provoking thunderheads like mountains, and the rains come, short and drenching, releasing the feeling, not as anger, not the outburst of a cloudburst but as a wave of insight, a gush of words, quickly building, quickly releasing. A fast turn around, the loneliness gone, the hunger passed. Or filled. Sometimes drought lingers; but sometimes wet weather fills the rivers ’til they overflow their banks, flooding the bosque, flooding the trees in my grove whose branches twist in contorted grace, whose roots, flood or not, always drink from deeper sources than I can ever see.

————Ecologies of the Heart: Cycle II

Love What You Love ___________________________ Flash flood warnings. Thunder at dawn. Rain on skylight so loud it overpowered dreams, thoughts, worries, plans. I burrowed under covers, listening to the oddity of weather, beating waves from the sky. I got up once and opened the back door to smell it—not cold, just wet, like being inside dessert, lemon mousse or chilled fruit. I crawled back to dry warmth, glad I slept in my house, not in down under a nylon tarp in a canyon where the way out required a ford across a crotch-high river, fast and brown. I rearranged my legs to move my hip, sore from yesterday’s run—no not the run, but my age, my years dancing, that old injury, the long ago mugging. Love what you love as well as you can, I learned in the canyon last week. Yes. But more: make what you make with love and make it all well enough so the love is powerful, so it lives unextinguished outside in the world, alive enough to be felt. Felt when you’re not there. Alive enough to trigger flash flood warnings, thunder at dawn, lightning flashes along another’s spine.

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Section 8 ———

Coda

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Along the Rio Chama, Toward Winter Solstice, 1999 ___________________________

(a sestina*)

What geometric order wouldn’t the celadon waves abandon to fashion their translucent turbulence, The stream’s coiling and uncoiling patterns bordered now by icy lapidary spirals? In summer the space above whispers words so insubstantial the violet-green swallow Swoops through them as if she knew her bones Weighed no more than air itself. In the eye of the raven The jade river reflects back winter sun, wavering between banks thick with sage. What backwash across the sand flats has nourished the sage, Tonguing the little bluestem and stipa with a necessary turbulence Until Artemisia’s moon-green leaves, like tiny hands, three fingers stretched skyward, grew with their raven Stems in endless ranks? Slower than the widening spiral Of a snail shell, they spread outward to cover bones From hazy pasts, bones the sand itself would not swallow. What molecular recall restores the angling speed of the swallow After she sips from the current’s skin and lifts herself back into empty air? What sage Advice might she give us if we could only hear with our bones? Behind her sickled wings, invisible to all but suspended cottonwood dust, brief turbulence Opens the channels between earth and sky, offering in their fugitive spiral Forms hints of how we might understand, if we could only laugh like the distant raven. What incendiary secrets smolder like underground coal fires in the raven Night, where owl wings flash darkness across the stars and I swallow An ancient unease that has curled along my spine like a whelk’s expanding spiral? In a silence promising solace as primal as the fragrant smoke from burning sage, The night counterbalances the skin-smooth known with a combustible unknown turbulence, And hot fleeting flames ripe with imagined answers singe my bones.

————Coda What trick of color allocation has aligned patched snow with sun-bleached bones? Cold collects in the shadows along flaxen hillsides and under flame-shaped junipers where yesterday a raven Rested before continuing his survey of the river’s watershed. The turbulence Of summer rains flooding from mesa tops carves the land as surely as the swallow Carves the air, but with more enduring sign. Along one cliff, sageColored soil erodes; in summer memory a dust devil streaks across the flats in a superheated spiral. What cycling tension propels our inner helical fires, the molecular spiral Spring we share with down-drifting detritus of ancient seas, the bones Of these hills now thinly covered in dry skins of grass and sage? No answer. But this: You have followed the contours of this land as carefully as the raven Maps a cliff edge. You have dabbed the river’s mud, word by word, as persistently as the swallow Has made her rock-protected nest. You have ridden the invisible turbulence. Between my fingers I smell the sage; in memory I see one wild grape tendril spiral Around the latch to the open gate. The river’s foaming turbulence vibrates in my bones And I guess the finest trick of the raven. In the cold air I dream I loop upward faster than any flashing swallow.

—19 December 1999

___________________________ *“The sestina is like a thin sheet of flame, folding and infolding upon itself.” —Ezra Pound

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